Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I don't feel well

Not a good day today.

My legs were especially weak and sore. Usually I listen to music while I eat and walk around my kitchen until I need to sit down. I pace because it's too hard on my legs to stand still. I've always been that way; this symptom of Dandy Walker is just enhanced these days. And walking, especially up the stairs of course, was also harder today.

It didn't help that my heart was racing. It did that off and on all day. Some days I'm oversensitive to food, activity, heat or sometimes it just gets fast for seemingly no reason at all. Sometimes I think the exertion and discomfort of standing or walking contributes to the racing. Lately my heart's been really pounding sometimes when I get up a flight of stairs, the same way it used to do years ago before I was medicated.

Anyway, I walked to my allergy shot. I felt so strong because I was able to walk briskly despite the asthma brought out by the cold air and the heart racing. As I walked home after my shot, I felt my arm go sore and numb, so I rolled my eyes and went back to see the doctor. He examined me and then had me sit in the waiting room to make sure I wouldn't go into anaphalaxis. I was so disappointed because this reaction means I can't go on a higher dosage of allergy serum next week. I can only tolerate the highest dilution of serum, so I want to get to the maximum dosage to ensure I get the most I can out of the serum.

Every week I have a debate with myself about whether I should tell the doctor I'm not feeling well or haven't been. Today I had my shot with my former family doctor who had left the clinic a few years ago and come to take over for my doctor for the next couple of days. I was content to catch up with him and talk about his Christmas plans! Also, I've been sick for so long and I didn't feel like refreshing him on everything. He's not familiar with my situation. If my doctors can't figure it out after many appointments, how could he do anything? I need to see a neurologist for Dandy Walker related things anyway. My condition is so rare that few other types of doctors know much about it! I just get so jaded and I don't see the point in going to doctors. Really, today, the only reason I was considering telling the doctor about some of my symptoms that have gotten worse again, like the bubble sensations in my head and the leg weakness, aching and swelling, heart racing, balance issues and constipation, was because I thought it would feel good to vent to him. He's so sympathetic and such a good listener.

If I'd been really ill, I would have told him, but I don't think of myself being ill today because I have been very active. I feel guilty for seeing doctors about problems I'm not experiencing in an incapacitating way. That's partly why I get disappointed when I feel unusually well at doctors' appointments. It's also because I know they're likely to take me more seriously if I'm clearly not well. If I'm having an okay day or the symptoms generally haven't been alarming and severe, I tend to downplay them because I don't think they warrant my doctors' serious concern. I also don't want them to think I'm being dramatic. I prefer to buck up and wait it out.

I haven't felt sad today, despite feeling ill and missing my sister's wine and cheese party at her work. I am VERY excited to see my sister and her puppy, to give and open Christmas presents and see my relatives! Simple pleasures like this keep me going!

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