Today I was cranky and anti-social despite feeling pretty well. I genuinely feel badly for not embracing a good day.
I don't know how to get rid of this guilt. I know I am entitled to be cranky and anti-social for any reason, just like anyone else, but I still feel like I should just feel lucky and happy. What if I have a bad day tomorrow? Will I wish that I had been more active and happier when I had the opportunity? I think about the near future way too much. I always feel obligated to make decisions based on what I think I WILL want or how I think I WILL feel. Maybe this is because I don't really like my present life and I'm constantly thinking about how I can improve it or what has to happen before I can live in the present again.
The future does indeed look promising! I start my college certificate program in January. I am so excited to feel productive again! I'm more excited about that and using my fancy new business bag I got for Christmas and dressing up for school than I am about the work itself! I think this is because I really just want to have a life again. Once I'm in school I won't be bored and lonely anymore! It will also be lovely to write assignments again... but I'm not looking forward to group work so much! I'm dreading the thought of others not pulling their weight or worse: me becoming ill or not being able to handle my share of the work.
I am concerned about how I will handle full-time school every day with homework on top of that, so I think I might give up being brave and get doctors notes if I have to. I'll also seek advice from the disabilities program I registered with at my school. Surely there are provisions available at the school to people with health, learning and mobility issues like mine! Wow. Imagine that! Me ASKING for provisions, after my entries in here complaining about them. I think I won't mind asking, though. At least now that I'm older I understand what my issues are and I'm less afraid to ask to be treated differently. Now I understand that people can really can help me.
At my appointment to register with the disabilities program at my school, the consultant told me that I could get a vocational assessment to evaluate my auditory processing difficulties with instructions, so I'll get that too and figure out what I can do about my worsened short term memory and weak, aching legs and balance problems. (I asked my mom for one of those pill boxes with compartments for each day of the week because after I use the toilet or brush my teeth I often can't remember if I've taken a pill yet) School would be a great opportunity to finally address these issues, especially since I've now accepted that I have indeed been symptomatic because of the Dandy Walker Variant.
It still doesn't make sense to me why I became so symptomatic after I got sick in June, but I will go back to my neurologist to ask him. I will also ask him for referrals for physical and occupational therapy and more tests for my legs. I just had my head MRI today, so maybe that will offer some information.