I feel obligated to write about New Years

I seem to be the only one not making New Years resolutions or reflecting on the year. I've never seen the point in reflecting or resolving at the end of a year. I feel like I'm reflecting all of the time anyway and if I want to resolve something, I'll do it at any time of the year. Many things don't seem to change with the New Year anyway: the school year usually continues; my health issues continue; I don't feel any older, etc.

This year is a bit different because I coincidentally have happened to make resolutions at the year end, mostly about what I need to do to live a full, happy life with my continuing health issues, which I accepted probably won't get better any time soon, at least not without my intervention. Also, a new school year will start for me in January! At a brand new school and program!

So these upcoming changes have made me think about what's been going on in my life, not for the past year, but for more than the past two:

October 2007 -- I started having week-long episodes of a very rapid heart rate that would occur every few months

Somewhere in the fall, 2007 -- I became very unhappy with school and officially decided that I did not want a career in journalism. Then I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and this made me feel very lost and my already shoddy self-esteem took a major nose dive.

Around February-April, 2008 -- I got emotional/career counselling at the Learning Disabilities program at my school to deal with fears about my learning disability and find a career that would be right for me.

May 2008 -- I got my very first full time job for the summer at the Spina Bifida and Hydrocephalus Association of Ontario updating their contacts, assisting with administration and writing public service announcements and press releases.

October 2008 -- My episodes of rapid heart rate were coming more frequently and lasting longer. I started to feel really unwell with it and so finally saw my cardiologist about it. He upgraded my Tiazac to the maximum dosage of 360 mg. Then later he found it wasn't working well enough, so he put me on 0.125 mg of Digoxin. But for months I continued to have episodes which made me feel very awful, but they didn't last as long or come as frequently. My cardiologist didn't take them seriously and told me I was having anxiety and depression.

November 2008 -- One of the unions at York went on strike, halting classes for three months.

February 2009 -- I went to Jamaica for a family reunion -- all of my paternal family, including those from England, were there! My great aunt and uncle had just died and we raised our glasses to them at one of our dinners.

June 2009 -- I got my wisdom teeth out. Then my liver became dysfunctional and I became very weak and was vomiting like crazy. Then I started having neurological symptoms and my family doctor sent me to the ER. I'm STILL not doing that great.

September 2009 -- My sister and her boyfriend got a puppy!

Oh, and I forgot to mention that all throughout this time, many of my dearest friends have moved out, gotten engaged, etc. I feel very much behind all of them, but I'm confident that once I've finished my certificate, I will also get a grown up job and move out!

For fun I made a list of resolutions and things I want to happen in the New Year:

- gain ten pounds
- get physical therapy and whatever else is necessary to help me feel better
- brush my hair every day
- shave regularly
- move out
- start a formal exercise plan
- drink less when I'm out with friends, ie) don't embarrass myself or them
- swim in my pool in the summer
- regularly clean my room
- get a grown-up job!
- do some freelance writing
- get a digital camera to take pictures for this blog
- learn to cook more than scrambled eggs and oatmeal

No wonder people make New Years resolutions! There's always a lot to resolve. Still, I like to think I'm constantly improving myself, not just at the end of the year. Also, I don't think the dawn of this new year -- or any -- is worth celebrating. I never go out on New Years because I can't stand the crowds or the expense! I'm just going to have a quiet dinner with my family and play with my sister's puppy. He needs to resolve to stop biting me when I try to take something out of his mouth. And my sister, who is going out for dinner with her boyfriend, needs to resolve to start returning the jewelry I let her borrow! I wonder if she'll wear one of my necklaces tonight...

Thanks for Reading!

Arrrgh! I reacted to my allergy shot again! I don't know why because my doctor brought down the dosage. He'll bring it down again next week. Seven hours after the shot, my arm is still sore, weak and numb.

I've really gotten into blogging! I'm trying not to write too much like I do in my diary, in which my entries are mostly mundane. Thank you to my new blogging friends and my personal friends for reading! It means a lot to me. I really hope this blog will help people, especially those who are new to the experience of having health or disability issues or are having trouble navigating the medical world. I don't quite know how to reach out to those people besides adding a link to my blog when I comment on Facebook discussions and others' blog posts. When I add a link somewhere I feel like I'm spamming people who might roll their eyes when they see it and think I only commented to advertise my blog. Really, I never comment unless a post moves me or I have something I really want to say. I started wondering about what motivates bloggers to read and comment when I found out that some people said they voted for my "Best Health Blog" nomination on the Bloggers' Choice Awards (Yes, I nominated myself) and then asked me to vote for theirs! Did they even read my blog?

http://bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/85996

I still feel sleazy for nominating myself and subsequently posting my award page in my blog... I promise I don't care about the award; I only want to increase my readership and make more blogger friends! This nomination site alone may bring some people to me.

I used to say I preferred not write for an audience, but several years ago during an assignment for my Theories of Writing class, I realized that I AM the audience. I write what I want to read. And I LOVE memoirs, autobiographies, diaries, letters -- all of it. It's always special to read something I can relate to, but I also enjoy reading life stories by people who I cannot relate to it all. The personal story brings life to statistics and can give a voice to a cause that doesn't have one. I love it because shares the emotional, day-to-day impact of issues.

These are my favourite published books of life writing:

ANYTHING by Emily Carr, but my favourite is her diary called Hundreds and Thousands in which she details her insecurities as an artist

Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt, a book about McCourt's impoverished childhood in Ireland during the Depression

Lucky by Alice Sebold, a memoir about the impact of Sebold's rape on her choices in life and what she had to do to put her rapist behind bars.

Incorrigible by Velma Demerson, another memoir by a white woman who was imprisoned in Canada for marrying a Chinese man.

In an Iron Glove by Claire Martin, a memoir about a girl who was abused by her father all throughout her childhood in Quebec in the 1920s.

And I love the bits of nature writing I've read from Henry David Thoreau's Walden and Annie Dillard's Pilgrim on Tinker Creek.

I'm also most attracted to fiction that's written in first person narrative.

I haven't been reading much since I got sick because my weakened eye muscles make reading uncomfortable (uncomfortable like reading while you're drunk) and I'm trying to figure out what to read next. I have so much! I still write in my diary and in here, but for ages that's been about it. I kind of miss writing essays for school, but that's mostly because I didn't have to write academic pieces. I certainly won't have to do any academic writing in college!

In my classes, I almost always got to create a topic to write about. I had little direction when I started out with only Professional Writing and I'd really enjoyed a social science foundations course which also doubled as a required course for Health and Society, so I applied to major in that one too! Of 50,000 students, I was the only person at York with that combination of majors. Sometimes I felt a bit of pressure after I told people I was majoring in Professional Writing degree because people would ask me to review their essays. I liked to think I had some authority on writing.

Anyway, I wrote many assignments in both majors about the kinds of things I write in here, but I don't feel that any of them really captured my feelings or explained them properly. I've strongly considered writing my own memoir one day and I feel like this blog is preparing me for that. This blog has helped me learn to share my feelings about everything and so have discussions in person, especially when people say they've read my blog. I used to put down blogs because I didn't think writing in one would be a good way to get people's serious attention. Now I see that anyone on the internet can find my blog and comment on it easily. My life here in writing is so much more accessible here than it would be in a book. I just have to figure out how to get more people to read it! I HAVE always wanted to be a bit famous after all...

Provisions Please

Today I was cranky and anti-social despite feeling pretty well. I genuinely feel badly for not embracing a good day.

I don't know how to get rid of this guilt. I know I am entitled to be cranky and anti-social for any reason, just like anyone else, but I still feel like I should just feel lucky and happy. What if I have a bad day tomorrow? Will I wish that I had been more active and happier when I had the opportunity? I think about the near future way too much. I always feel obligated to make decisions based on what I think I WILL want or how I think I WILL feel. Maybe this is because I don't really like my present life and I'm constantly thinking about how I can improve it or what has to happen before I can live in the present again.

The future does indeed look promising! I start my college certificate program in January. I am so excited to feel productive again! I'm more excited about that and using my fancy new business bag I got for Christmas and dressing up for school than I am about the work itself! I think this is because I really just want to have a life again. Once I'm in school I won't be bored and lonely anymore! It will also be lovely to write assignments again... but I'm not looking forward to group work so much! I'm dreading the thought of others not pulling their weight or worse: me becoming ill or not being able to handle my share of the work.

I am concerned about how I will handle full-time school every day with homework on top of that, so I think I might give up being brave and get doctors notes if I have to. I'll also seek advice from the disabilities program I registered with at my school. Surely there are provisions available at the school to people with health, learning and mobility issues like mine! Wow. Imagine that! Me ASKING for provisions, after my entries in here complaining about them. I think I won't mind asking, though. At least now that I'm older I understand what my issues are and I'm less afraid to ask to be treated differently. Now I understand that people can really can help me.

At my appointment to register with the disabilities program at my school, the consultant told me that I could get a vocational assessment to evaluate my auditory processing difficulties with instructions, so I'll get that too and figure out what I can do about my worsened short term memory and weak, aching legs and balance problems. (I asked my mom for one of those pill boxes with compartments for each day of the week because after I use the toilet or brush my teeth I often can't remember if I've taken a pill yet) School would be a great opportunity to finally address these issues, especially since I've now accepted that I have indeed been symptomatic because of the Dandy Walker Variant.

It still doesn't make sense to me why I became so symptomatic after I got sick in June, but I will go back to my neurologist to ask him. I will also ask him for referrals for physical and occupational therapy and more tests for my legs. I just had my head MRI today, so maybe that will offer some information.

Life is Ruff

I wasn't sure if I would get to write an entry tonight because I've kept my sister's five month old shih poo in my room so she and my Mom can get a break. They both looked exhausted! I was happy to help, but puppy kept crying in his crate and I didn't think he would stop until I turned the lights off and got into bed. Phew! Finally, he went to sleep. His crying breaks my heart! I won't pay attention to him now, though because he has to keep his routine learn to go to bed when I tell him to.

Even though I haven't felt so well today, I still felt compelled to offer to take puppy tonight. I love him and it's nice that I get to give Mom and my sis a break. I like to look after puppy anyway because he makes me feel needed. I don't like being responsible only for myself. It's nice to know that I'm physically more up to looking after him than my mom and sister are right now! I feel strong and important. Puppy helps me realize my physical and mental strength. He gives me so much love!

This need I felt to care for something reminded me of Emily Carr's "Pause," a book comprised of sketches she drew while she was in a sanatorium for over a year in the early 1900's and a retrospective narrative of her experience in the sanatorium that she wrote somewhere near the end of her life in the 1940s. She couldn't paint anymore because she had heart trouble. In "Pause," Emily wrote a lot about some baby birds in a nest she kept by her bed at the sanitarium. Caring for the birds not only made her feel needed, but they amused her, helped her pass the time and make friends with the other patients who came to visit her birds. She drew sketches of the birds and so they helped nurture her artistic talent.

My life has also been on "pause" and I feel like puppy helps me much like the birds helped Emily. No matter how awful I feel, I feed him, take him outside and supervise him around the house. If I wasn't doing that I would just be watching television! Puppy is far more amusing than television anyway. His cuddles are very comforting during bad times. I write about him a lot in my diary and he's given me many ideas for my dog-related fiction. Puppy is so bouncy and fun. He helps to bring those qualities out in me when I become too much of an old lady.

I can hear his tags dangling in his cage and I don't want him to start crying again, so I'd better go! He's staying at my house on Christmas Eve night and morning! I'm so excited. I think we both need to rest up for Santa!

I don't feel well

Not a good day today.

My legs were especially weak and sore. Usually I listen to music while I eat and walk around my kitchen until I need to sit down. I pace because it's too hard on my legs to stand still. I've always been that way; this symptom of Dandy Walker is just enhanced these days. And walking, especially up the stairs of course, was also harder today.

It didn't help that my heart was racing. It did that off and on all day. Some days I'm oversensitive to food, activity, heat or sometimes it just gets fast for seemingly no reason at all. Sometimes I think the exertion and discomfort of standing or walking contributes to the racing. Lately my heart's been really pounding sometimes when I get up a flight of stairs, the same way it used to do years ago before I was medicated.

Anyway, I walked to my allergy shot. I felt so strong because I was able to walk briskly despite the asthma brought out by the cold air and the heart racing. As I walked home after my shot, I felt my arm go sore and numb, so I rolled my eyes and went back to see the doctor. He examined me and then had me sit in the waiting room to make sure I wouldn't go into anaphalaxis. I was so disappointed because this reaction means I can't go on a higher dosage of allergy serum next week. I can only tolerate the highest dilution of serum, so I want to get to the maximum dosage to ensure I get the most I can out of the serum.

Every week I have a debate with myself about whether I should tell the doctor I'm not feeling well or haven't been. Today I had my shot with my former family doctor who had left the clinic a few years ago and come to take over for my doctor for the next couple of days. I was content to catch up with him and talk about his Christmas plans! Also, I've been sick for so long and I didn't feel like refreshing him on everything. He's not familiar with my situation. If my doctors can't figure it out after many appointments, how could he do anything? I need to see a neurologist for Dandy Walker related things anyway. My condition is so rare that few other types of doctors know much about it! I just get so jaded and I don't see the point in going to doctors. Really, today, the only reason I was considering telling the doctor about some of my symptoms that have gotten worse again, like the bubble sensations in my head and the leg weakness, aching and swelling, heart racing, balance issues and constipation, was because I thought it would feel good to vent to him. He's so sympathetic and such a good listener.

If I'd been really ill, I would have told him, but I don't think of myself being ill today because I have been very active. I feel guilty for seeing doctors about problems I'm not experiencing in an incapacitating way. That's partly why I get disappointed when I feel unusually well at doctors' appointments. It's also because I know they're likely to take me more seriously if I'm clearly not well. If I'm having an okay day or the symptoms generally haven't been alarming and severe, I tend to downplay them because I don't think they warrant my doctors' serious concern. I also don't want them to think I'm being dramatic. I prefer to buck up and wait it out.

I haven't felt sad today, despite feeling ill and missing my sister's wine and cheese party at her work. I am VERY excited to see my sister and her puppy, to give and open Christmas presents and see my relatives! Simple pleasures like this keep me going!

That's a Wrap!

Tonight I wrapped all of my Christmas presents! I laughed and smiled the whole time because I managed to underestimate the necessary space of giftwrap for every gift -- after I finished cutting it! I put each parcel in the center of the spread-out paper, then unrolled the paper until I could pull the end side of the paper onto half of the gift. Then I put the paper back on the floor, looked at how much paper was on that side beside the present then estimated that length on the opposite side. Then I cut vertically, making sure there was enough paper to fold the sides of the present to the top.

After I finished cutting the paper, I pulled each side of it over the gift and realized the sides wouldn't reach each other. How does this happen? It's not like I just randomly guessed how much paper I would need. I turned down the Christmas music and took my candy cane out of my mouth so I could concentrate better. I really should learn to just measure the paper and then equal the measurements on the other side, but every year I just assume I will be better at wrapping this time. Why? How? It's not like I acquired a whole year's worth of gift wrapping experience. Christmas is the only time I wrap presents. So I can't be better at it then I was last year, unless improved gift wrapping skills come with age.

Nah. Only experience will help. And a ruler. I'm far too stubborn, though. I want to do it without any help!

Always Conscious

This blog has satisfied my urge to write about life in a public way.

Sometime in my university career, I developed an interest in social health issues and so signed myself up for a degree in Health and Society at York University. In my classes we had many assignments about the medical profession's treatment of patients. We were encouraged to share our personal experiences and I've had my share of them! It was so cathartic to write about the kinds of things I've written in this blog. Before university, I felt ashamed of the medical appointments and provisions given to me. I remember one time in grade nine gym, our teacher instructed us to practice catching the football into our bellies. I told my partner that I wasn't supposed to do that. She kept encouraging me to do it anyway and asking me what the problem was. I nearly cried because I really, really, really didn't want to tell her. I didn't want her, or anyone, to think I was delicate or "special." I used to devise ways to prevent people from knowing. I told my friends that my Learning Strategies class for special education students was actually a "homework class."

I had to write many projects about my issues in projects for my Health and Society and Professional Writing programs before I felt confident to talk about everything in person. I'm not sure how writing helped me open up to people about everything, even outside of an academic context. Anyone have any suggestions?

I'm feeling guilty today. I felt well for the entire day, yet I'm sitting here writing about my issues, possibly implying that I'm not doing well. A major effect of my health issues is that they are a huge part of my life even when I'm not experiencing the symptoms. Every day I wonder how I will feel later. There is always something that reminds me of experiences I've had being sick or a situation that makes me conscious of my issues.

I was looking at a blog devoted to orchids today and it made me think of the orchids my mom brought me after my wisdom teeth were extracted. When I wash my hair, I feel my shunt and its valve. I concentrate when I go up or down stairs to make sure I don't fall. I take my pulse before and after I take my heart medications if I can't feel it beating.

A friend of mine commented that I wrote about my visits to the cardiologist, neurologist and internist very casually. It's a good point! I'm always conscious of my issues and I'm very used to going to doctors to try to solve them. Specialists have always been a part of my life. I've always needed regular check-ups with them, even if I'm well. It's so routine that until my friend noted my casual discussion, I didn't realize that to most people, a neurologist and cardiologist seem like a big, big deal! So by writing about these and not explaining the mildness of my issues, I might be implying that I am a very ill person. THAT IS NOT THE CASE! I just need to have things checked to make sure they're all okay.

My regular appointments actually make me conscious of the mildness of my issues the doctors almost always tell me everything is fine and that I only need to come back in a year. Also, doctors usually tell me that I only have mild versions of the conditions I have. They talk to me like I'm just getting a check-up for a cold, not showing sympathy for the symptoms I describe. I guess their nonchalance rubs off on me!

This might be a dead end

My bloodwork is normal! I prepared myself for this because a huge part of me felt that the bulk of my symptoms were related to the Dandy Walker. Also, I didn't want to be disappointed with the results. I think I was a bit desperate for a blood test to give me a definitive answer. I am relieved that nothing serious appears to be going on. My family doctor suggested I see my neurologist, which I had already planned to do after my MRI on December 27. Maybe the neurologist can bring me closure.

Here I am preparing myself for good news again. I don't think the neurologist will find anything wrong with me. I can see him agreeing with me that my leg weakness, aching after activity and loss of balance, all of which I used to experience as a young child, is again related to the Dandy Walker. It still seems strange to me that all of the symptoms became more severe with the virus, though. Is that a coincidence or can illness provoke symptoms of Dandy Walker? Or maybe it's not Dandy Walker at all.

A conclusion of Dandy Walker doesn't explain the abdominal pain or feet and ankle swelling, though, so I'm thinking that might be a separate issue. My family doctor didn't have much to say about all this, so I think I'll see my internist again for her opinion. I think I'll see my cardiologist again too because my Digoxin is a little low and my heart races when I'm standing or walking. Could that just be because I have to exert myself to stand and walk? I don't think so. It races even when I'm just sitting down too. Could it be that my heart is contributing to the leg fatigue? The heart racing hasn't been for the past six months, so I'm assuming that it's not related to my illness.

If my main issues are indeed related to the Dandy Walker, then that means since my virus ended I've been suffering from a disability, not an illness! I keep thinking about all of those times I've been telling people I'm sick! I'd be happy to seek physical and occupational therapy to manage my symptoms -- anything to help me feel stronger and more comfortable. There must be exercises and mobility devices for me! I'm getting excited to learn how to live with this rather than complain and then put my feet up. With therapy I will feel actively involved in my recovery or the management of my disability.

Sometimes I feel that a cane would help me, but I'm afraid that people might think I'm looking for attention or exaggerating my situation. That's not it at all! A cane would relieve pressure from my feet which are already sore because they're flat and I sometimes strain the muscles in them to keep my balance. It would also prevent me from winding my back when I walk, help me keep balance and stay on my feet comfortably for longer periods. I think I would only need the cane for walking long distances or standing for long periods.

And I can see exercises helping me too. I often practice "tightrope walking" and standing on one foot for as long as I can. I remember when I was about seven I went to some sort of physical therapy and had exercises to do at home like playing wheelbarrow with someone holding my legs up. I was also instructed to practice walking like a penguin, but I'm not sure how that was supposed to help. Maybe some sort of strength training would help my legs, but I'd like to do that with a trainer who can help me figure out what weight would be good for me, length of training, etc. I feel really optimistic that I can help myself. I considered seeking help in these areas earlier, but I figured these would just get better on their own or that it would be better to go to therapy when I felt better.

I'm a bit upset to think that maybe this manifestation of Dandy Walker is permanent. Regardless, I'll always have to deal with it, my arrhythmia and my asthma. Lately I've found myself asking "What if?" a lot, mainly "What if I can only work part-time someday?" or "What if something else is going on that my doctors aren't looking for or haven't been able to detect?" Everything is unknown, but at least the bloodwork ruled some things out.

Six Months

Today I had blood drawn. I feel badly because I genuinely want some of the bloodwork to come back abnormal. I should hope that nothing's abnormal, but if that's the case I'll have to spend more time searching for answers, wondering if I'll ever find one.

My doctor's checking me for vitamin deficiencies, immune system problems, a high Digoxin (heart medication) level and liver injury (ALT count which was high back in June). I had about seven vials of blood extracted -- some were short, others long. I watched the blood come out and it bubbled a bit, which means my heart was racing. I didn't feel it racing, though, and I wasn't anxious, so I started wondering if maybe the Digoxin level was actually low.

Many things can influence the Digoxin level like fibre, other medications, illness and many other things. Also, Digoxin has a very narrow therapeutic index which means that there is a very small window of effectiveness. If my blood level is lower than the index, the Digoxin won't work effectively and if it's higher, it can produce nasty side effects. I made sure that I took the Digoxin at 8AM, at least six hours before I had the blood drawn to make sure the level found in the bloodwork accurately represented my average level. I didn't want to risk a result that could steer my doctor's investigation into the wrong direction.

I imagined what the Digoxin level would be as I watched the blood lady fill the vials. I kept staring at the blood, thinking that it looked a little dark for blood and wondering if this meant anything. When I got home I had to stop myself from googling "dark blood" because I figured my findings would make me even more paranoid.

I continued to stare at the vials of blood as if my naked eyes and scientifically uneducated mind would be able to find a problem. Since I hit the sixth month mark of my illness on December 8, I've been in investigation mode, convinced that if there is a problem, doctors aren't looking hard enough to find it or that the tests won't be assessed properly. I stopped believing that I've been suffering from some sort of post-viral syndrome that will heal without treatment and started wondering if something more serious is going on. If it's true that the virus has simply affected my Dandy Walker syndrome, that's fine; I can live with that. I'll get rehab or whatever else may help me. But that doesn't explain the abdominal and leg pain and swelling, nausea, tiredness, etc.

My doctor said that if this bloodwork comes back normal, I'm likely not dealing with something serious like an auto-immune disorder or condition triggered by a virus. I'm not sure how I will react to the results. I will ask my doctor to run more tests, specifically on the blood vessels and nerves in my legs. I don't see what another ultrasound of my belly would do since the two I've had already have come back normal. Maybe a CT scan?

If my Digoxin level is abnormal, I'll go back to my cardiologist for his opinion and tests. Now that I have my school schedule, I will make an appointment to see my neurologist in January after the MRI of my head. I also have an appointment with the opthamologist who wants to see me in January. And I think I'll make another appointment with my internist too. She seems to know a lot about post-viral situations and she seems to know a lot of doctors too. A referral from her is sure to make other doctors take me seriously.

I always want a situation that will guarantee doctors will take me seriously. I am grateful for my Dandy Walker, hydrocephalus, asthma and heart medications which have afforded me sympathy and immediate investigation. I've heard so many stories of doctors not being thorough with patients who've grown up with perfect health or at least no serious diagnosis or have only recently been suffering. On the show Mystery Diagnosis, many patients featured are in one of these situations. The doctors either tell them their symptoms all in their heads or that they're just tired or stressed. Not me. When I say I have a shunt, doctors send me for tests right away and examine me thoroughly. My conditions are a gateway into the medical system, an instigator of investigation.

I will get the results of my bloodwork at my allergy shot appointment in a few days. I want to feel and look really sick when I go into see him to open the gateway a little wider in case the bloodwork comes back normal. If the bloodwork comes back abnormal AND I feel and look sick, I won't feel guilty at all for complaining. I hate complaining when tests and examinations are normal because I feel like I look like a hypochondriac. I'm trying to remember what my internist told me when I cried to her months ago. She said "It's not that there isn't anything wrong with you; we just haven't found it yet."

She's been completely supportive throughout this whole thing, as have my other doctors. So why do I feel so defensive, ready to beg for tests and second opinions? I seem to be letting the negative medical experiences of others influence my faith in doctors who have always been there when I've needed them. Don't get me wrong, I've had some negative experiences. One time a family doctor said I was fine and then I ended up in the hospital overnight with 12 oxygen treatments. It wasn't this situation that made me question doctors, though. I only recently developed a lack of trust in doctors and this was because of stories I heard from friends and a television show! Also, doctors still don't know what's wrong with me after six months of illness. This feels like far too long. I stopped going for tests months ago, so maybe if I'd continued, I would have an answer by now. But until I got bloodwork done today, I saw no point in even going to the doctor. I was convinced I would only be disappointed and no one would solve my puzzle.

When I noticed I'd been sick for half of a year, I became driven to search again. One month to five months seemed like an acceptable amount of time to be sick. I've been through that before, but I had to push through school at the same time. So I know I can do it again! I'm strong. I'm used to feeling like garbage. But I've never been sick for this long. Previous long-term illnesses gradually got better either on their own or with treatment. This time I'm not getting much better and there is no treatment. This is a different situation and so I'm going to take different tactics. I will cry to doctors if I have to. I will take pictures of my swollen feet and videotape of my wobbly gait. I will beg for tests. I will give them printouts of my blog. I won't nod my head and agree with doctors if they say I'm fine or that I'll get better on my own.

I'm not stubborn anymore. I need help.

I'm so in love

I don't usually write or talk about music because I generally I prefer it to be a private experience, but I want to share my love for an artist I've become obsessed with. She makes me dance around even when my balance isn't good and my legs are weak and aching.

A few weeks ago, my beautiful mother drove me downtown to pick up a copy of Florence and the Machine's album "Lungs." I'd already fallen in love with her performances on youtube and appreciated her celebration of breathing, having been short of breath because of post-viral asthma. What a set of lungs indeed! I remember getting out of the car to go to Indigo as I choked on the cold air and wondering if her album would upset me. Would "Lungs" make me jealous of Florence's lung capacity? Would I get so excited while listening to it that my asthma would get worse?

As I knew I would while I listened to "Lungs", I found myself imagining myself dancing and singing with Florence when I recovered -- not just from the asthma, but from my mysterious long-term illness. Throughout my time feeling sick, I had found myself mostly listening to Radiohead and Fleet Foxes, which definitely hadn't made me want to dance. I think subconsciously I usually avoided upbeat music because I was afraid it would make me yearn to have a healthy, exciting life again. That's why I was nervous about Florence, anyway. I knew I would only imagine future fun times while I listened to her.

Usually albums remind me of a mood, place or time in which I'd most often listened to it. Broken Social Scene's "You Forgot it in People," reminds me of swaying palm trees on Waikiki Beach and Bjork's "Vespertine" reminds me of periods of intense sadness during my fourth-year quarter-life crisis. "Lungs" is a bit different because it makes me think of the future instead of the present. What will this album remind me of? My illness? Or maybe it will transport me to an imaginary time when I always felt healthy and energetic?

I've chosen not to describe her music to people to whom I've raved about her. What does describing the music or the lyrics accomplish? I don't think it helps critics help readers figure out if they will enjoy the music. Take this quote from Rolling Stone's review of "Lungs":

"The best bits feel like being chased through a moonless night by a sexy moor witch."

What does this mean? The critic is describing the feeling Florence's album evoked in HIM, but how is that a critique or analysis? Am I supposed to think, "Hmm. I've always wanted to know what it feels like to be 'chased through a moonless night by a sexy moor witch,' so I think I'll buy this album"? No! And who's to say Florence's album will evoke the same feelings in me anyway? I just don't see the point.

I will describe this album a bit, though. Lots of harp, gasping, pounding drums, death, love, etc. Usually music makes me fall more in love with the present, but Florence helps me escape from it. Maybe the harp makes me dream.

This illness has permeated every aspect of my life. It hurts me that it has even played a role in the music I choose to listen to, but at least with Florence I remember what strength and wellness feel like. It feels so attainable and I know I'll get there again. I'm coming, Florence!