Saturday, January 23, 2010

Diary of a Future Spinster

I just woke up wearing the clothes I wore yesterday. Yes, last night I fell asleep wearing them. I wonder if anyone sleeps in their clothes over night and then wears them the next day... Of course some people do if they unexpectedly end up sleeping at the house of a lover. I don't expect that to happen to me, though. I also never expect myself to panic after realizing I haven't worn romance-appropriate undergarments or haven't shaved.

You see, for several years now, I've been trying to figure out if I'm asexual or if I just haven't met the right person yet. For five and a half months when i was fifteen, I dated the only person I've ever been attracted to. I WANTED to kiss him before we even started dating. He made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. When we were dating, I remember melting whenever a sappy love song came on the radio, but I didn't love him. He actually annoyed me a lot of the time because he was really socially awkward and tried way too hard to be romantic. I realize now that he was probably just nervous and I should have been more understanding.

The other day when I was dreaming about moving out, I realized that several of my dearest friends have moved out with their serious, long-term boyfriends. Now I feel like I've missed out because I've never been in love, let alone been with a guy I'd want to live with. I feel so inexperienced and immature -- a stark contrast from feeling physically old due to my health issues. I wonder if a guy could ever make me feel mature as a woman, and also help me feel my body is young.

I've known love for my family, friends, writing, animals and music. Is that enough? I just don't know what I'm missing. Did I miss out when I was a kid and never dreamed about having a wedding? Or how about never playing Truth in Truth or Dare because I didn't have a secret to divulge about a boy? It goes back as far as I can remember: I've always imagined myself as a spinster living in a cottage with animals and no people. This is what I wanted, but I don't know what I want now. I can see myself panicking at 30 because I haven't found someone or had a child.

8 comments :

  1. You're just joining the rest of us in this lonely world Ashley! It's quite alright to not know what you want, most of us don't.

    For the record, I used to ALWAYS play truth as I didn't trust anyone to be decent with dares (I was shy). I would then proceed to lie with my answers :P hahaha. I usually refused to play it.

    But you would make a pretty fun cat-lady ;) I think, personally, that I'm going to be an old man feeding the pigeons. I saw an old woman at the park today with a duffle bag FULL of peanuts feeding the animals. how awesome eh?

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  2. That is awesome. I'm going to come to England and we'll feed the animals together and play Truth or Dare.

    Yeah, I don't know why but sometimes I assume I'm the only one who doesn't know what she wants!

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  3. In an all girl's school, the only thing I remember about being fifteen was the 'O'level exams! Boys were aliens... LOL :)

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  4. Hahaha good for you, oh studious Jinksy. Boys are still aliens to me. They have parts I've never discovered and minds I've never dissected.

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  5. There's no need to conform to what society perceives as "the norm". Follow what you want, what feels right at the time. But remember to be open to change, too, and allow yourself the luxury of changing your mind if that happens at some point. It is, after all, a woman's prerogative :-)

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  6. Aw thanks for the advice, Terri! I'm comfortable with doing what feels right, but I'm definitely resistant to change! Always have been. Maybe that's part of my problem.

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  7. I have a lot of wonderful friends who settle for guys who are basically jackasses just so they can do the marriage/children thing.
    I'd rather be alone and content.

    Ok, so I'm the crazy dog lady. But I'm the happy crazy dog lady!

    PS - I'm not against the whole love/marriage thing, but I'm not out looking for a guy either. We'll see what happens.

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  8. Ah, Linda! Wise words about the importance of not forcing it! Dogs are pretty awesome anyway.

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