Sunday, January 17, 2010

This is it

I don't feel so invincible today. Sometimes I feel I can do anything sitting down or that I won't feel awful anymore once I sit down. Then there are occasions like this -- okay, more like regular occurrences -- that my legs ache just as much when I'm sitting down. Even if I have been sitting down for sometime, like I have been today. But then I think, I don't feel wobbly sitting down. Surely that makes up for the pain. I have no right to feel upset.

But how can I distract myself from this: not only of the pain, but of the dread of having to get up at some point? Despite feeling the joy of walking and dancing around and laughing, some of my favourite things, I still think of the pain and dread. The pain will get worse after I've been on my feet. The dread is not only of having to get up, but often also of having to sit down or feeling the need to sit down after only a few minutes of being on my feet. If I must endure worsened symptoms in order to live, then I will. Still, I won't forget about my problems. I can't. What human being could?

I used to measure strength as the ability to forget or perhaps not even notice. Until recently I thought I was weak for thinking about all of this, for being distracted or wanting my bed during an activity that any 23 year old should be able to enjoy no matter what she is fighting. (I'm thinking of the end-of-first-week celebration I left on Friday) Now I realize I am not overly-occupied with my health experiences. It is only natural. It would be unnatural to not notice the symptoms, to assume that I'm imagining them, or to try to ignore them. I really am a happy person. That's why I still walk and dance. That's why I'm going to school. I can't help that I feel awful, but I still want to LIVE.

The other day I became self-conscious that this blog and other rants to friends about my health comes off as drama, that people who read this will think I'm exaggerating my issues or obsessed with what I'm going through or that I keep this blog to recruit sympathizers. There is so much more to my life than what I write in this blog, but writing here is my outlet. While training myself to be a writer, I fell in love with the classic teaching, "write what you know." This is what I know and I know it well. This is my catharsis, my outreach to others who may dealing with similar things. I know there are many of you out there who are also suffering. Yes, I'm learning to use that word. Suffering.

3 comments :

  1. I think this was one of your stronger posts Ashley. I'm not really sure why.

    I think it's good that you're writing this and talking about it. It'll be a good resource for you to come back to. It certainly isn't drama. It would be drama if you were trying to gain umm.... crumb I forgot where I was going with that. Fill in the blanks for me dear! (doesn't help that I'm chatting to you at the mo' and have confused you and then confused myself!)

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  2. I wonder if you've ever visited an NFSH center? You may be surprised how much it might help... If you don't know - the letters stand for National Federation of Spiritual Healers. It's nothing to do with faith healing, which some people think, but more about balancing your energy centres, which helps the body to be more in harmony with itself.

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  3. Thanks Lindsey... I think you mean "It would be drama if you were trying to gain attention." I don't know... I think reading this sometime in the future might upset me. Makes me realize I can't escape from this and wonder when, if or how it will get better.

    Thanks Jinksy, but that's not really my cup of tea. I think if I'm having trouble with school I'll just go to the counselling office of my school.

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