I exist in some weird dimension between introversion and extroversion. I just don't know what I want. I'm so freaking lonely and bored, but I am too tired and fatigued to go out and see people or entertain them at my house. I find myself on instant messaging sites like MSN and Facebook Chat very often because I want someone to talk to. I feel so repetitive, though, going on about how awful I feel.
It's different in my imaginary social life, though, where my dear friends come to visit me and we have mugs of peppermint tea and I have other things to talk about besides my long school days and my frustration with my doctors. Man, there are so many people I really, REALLY miss. I just committed to an all-day Broken Social Scene led concert at the Toronto Island this June! I will see Florence and the Machine in April... Wow. What am I getting myself into? This is kind of crazy, but I don't know... I feel like I NEED to have fun. Fun has been largely missing from my life. I often avoid fun situations because I know they'll make me feel worse, but there are times like these when I need to have fun anyway.
I think I'm actually craving an escape more than fun. I need an experience that will require me to test my physical limits, to party with healthy, energetic people. As excited as I am to hang out with my friend at this day-long concert, I can't help but wonder how I will handle the heat, the activity, the excitement. I already have a game plan: I will bring an umbrella (if that's allowed), wear one of my floppy hats and loose clothing and bring lots of layers. I will drink a lot of water. If my legs get too weak and sore or my heart gets too crazy, I will rest through a song or two. I will warn my friend that I may not be my fun, upbeat self for the whole day.
I can't help but think that maybe I plan things so far in advance not just because I'm nervous it won't go well, but because I don't have much else to think about. Well, I do. I'm just too preoccupied with what I'm going through to care about much else. Anyone who knows me will tell you I love music. Nothing comforts me more! By the way, I'm STILL obsessed with Florence and the Machine's album "Lungs."
I've also been listening to Bjork, Radiohead, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Neko Case and the Strokes a lot. When I have a burst of energy, I use it to bop around to music. Sometimes I even sing along, especially to the ridiculously catchy "Hairspray" motion picture soundtrack.
Anyway, I slept in late, so I don't know if I can sleep yet, but I must try! I have to get up again in six-and-a-half hours.