Sunday, March 7, 2010

Friends, Acquaintances and Others

I just created a Facebook event and invited a bunch of friends I really want to see. I predict that I will feel great this week because I have the whole time to rest, so I know I will want to celebrate. I hope the event will cure my loneliness.

I have this irrational fear that no one will want to come! I know it's ridiculous because I have so many people who love me and if anyone can't come, it will be because they're busy. Still, I'm self conscious of my social skills. I always have been, but it feels worse now. I'm out of partying practice because I have so seldom gone out since I got sick. In big groups of people, even those I know well, I don't really know what to do with myself.

A week ago, one of my instructors told the class to get into groups for an in-class assignment and then another set of groups for a presentation due the week after the break. I couldn't find group members for either of them! I was so embarrassed to walk around the classroom, asking classmates if they needed someone for their group. I imagined I looked like a lost puppy dog. I talk to my classmates all of the time and I'm sure most of them like me, so I figured I had a hard time because I had been sitting on my own that day. Still, it hurt and I couldn't help but take it personally.

I feel awkward a lot of the time. Sometimes some of my friends make fun of my quirks: that I still wear undershirts, that I'm a really slow eater and do other abnormal things. I feel singled out and its not cool! I don't know what I have to do to stop taking things so personally, feel more comfortable and less self conscious. I've always envied my sister who is super cool and seems to make friends wherever she goes. I don't connect with people nearly that easily and this makes me impatient!

2 comments :

  1. Oh honey I feel for you. My older sister was uber-popular and gorgeous and always the center of attention... I always had really low self-esteem & was terribly self-conscious. I don't have your health issues but I know that feeling only too well. I feel for you. The good news is that other people don't notice it as much as you do so I'm pretty sure your classmates didn't see you as a lost puppy dog as much as you felt it.
    Not that it helps now.
    Just wanted you to know you're not alone and if I were there I'd give you a big hug :)

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  2. This is so thoughtful, Terri. I'm glad I'm not the only one! Well, I knew I wasn't, but it helps to hear another person's story. Being a sibling/social/introverted person can make life so complicated.

    Thanks for the hug! I felt it.

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