My appetite has nearly completely disappeared: gone the way of my ability to speak proper sentences and feel full-time happiness. Today all I had was an All Bran bar, some almonds and two glasses of milk. I didn't have a proper meal Friday either. I'm just waiting for my clothes to start falling off me. Good thing I haven't thrown away my size 0 pants.
Crazy Heart comes out to play sometimes when I eat, as do Nausea, abdominal pain and Sadness. I get confused sometimes when I try to understand to what people say to me or when I try to express myself. This is Auditory Processing Disorder joining the fun. It's really playing up these days. Wtf is wrong with me?
I can't blame everything on my illness. These symptoms result from pre-existing, likely permanent, conditions. The symptoms keep going on and I'm a fool to think they won't continue to. It just seems so pointless: taking heart medications, resting, staying off my feet, following psychologist advice to repeat things and have others repeat until I understand. The list goes on, but none of these things seem to help. And these symptoms, some for which no medical explanation or treatment have been found, are caused by unrelated conditions. Bad luck? Maybe.
I couldn't even fully enjoy my 9-month delayed birthday lunch on Friday because food made me feel sick and I was having trouble understanding what my friends were saying -- trouble understanding what I was saying! Then my legs got all weak and achey after I dared to walk for a while.
Sometimes I think Screw this. Screw trying. Nothing helps. I don't know what to do with myself. It's becoming very difficult to bear, especially with the promise that most of this will last for the rest of my life. A daunting sentence. How could I have possibly avoided becoming jaded? My body and mind punish me for going out and living my life. Taking time off to rest didn't make me happy; school hasn't made me happy. What will? I don't know what to do. There's no distraction.
I write little funny posts in here, perhaps creating the illusion that I'm happy or at least dealing with everything okay. Really, I cry at least twice at week. This is so hard.