I have felt really happy for the past four days. This is the kind of happiness that makes me smile all day for no reason. Just yesterday my classmate commented that I had been laughing while writing an in-class assignment. She said, "I didn't understand what could possibly be funny about this." I don't even know why I was laughing. It just happens when I'm happy. Everything, even a dry assignment, seems to amuse me. This is classic Ashley. Man, how I missed her.
My body, perhaps coincidentally, has been treating me very well. It seems to have influenced my mind. I can think of nothing else that would account for this positive mood change. Nothing in my life is different. I just feel good, generally. I feel excited about the event my group is hosting, my Florence and the Machine concert and my trip to Hawaii next month. I knew these things would happen months ago, so why am I only just getting excited now? It's not like these things are happening next week. There's still a bunch of time left.
I'm thinking that maybe I'm excited because I'm able to imagine myself having the energy necessary to fully enjoy concerts, holidays and parties. I think socializing is an all-or-nothing thing for me. Either I'm completely present mentally (if I feel well physically) or I'm very distant. When I feel sick, my mind is always on whatever might help me feel better or at least distract me, like my bed. I daydream a lot when I'm sick. I always thought I was a daydreamer just because I'm an introspective person. Now I think daydreaming is my way of escaping from my body, immersing myself in another world.
This realization makes sense, based on the things I daydream about, like being rich, famous, popular and bragging about my imaginary career. In these are fantasies I am independent, strong and admired. I anticipate responses to this entry like, "But Ashley, you are strong!" Many people have told me that I'm the strongest person they know because I'm humble; I don't feel sorry for myself; I behave in ways many wouldn't dare and because I manage to smile and laugh more than most and make a life for myself despite my health problems.
Fair enough. I'm very honoured that people feel this way about me, but I seldom feel strong when I am sad.
I don't' seem to know how to be happy when I'm sick.