Sunday, April 25, 2010


Yesterday, I dreamed that I was an actor on the set of a movie. We were working on a scene in which we had to run or something. It was the last scene shot for the movie. We kept having to run up and down stairs for this scene and I kept hoping and waiting for the director to yell, "That's a wrap!" Finally, he did and I was so relieved. We went to a party in the same church where I took ballet from 1989-1997, only the church was much bigger than I remembered and all of the windows were made of glass. It took us ages to walk to the entrance because the building was so long!

Then we got inside for our wrap party. I don't remember much of this, only that I wanted to stay, but I really had to pee. I went to the basement to find a washroom, but all I could find was the studio I used to take lessons in, which is weird because the studio was upstairs in real life and the basement looked nothing like it did in real life. Anyway, while I was looking for a washroom, I bumped into two dancers in full costume and make up. I asked them if they were having a recital and they told me it was really a rehearsal. So I followed them to an auditorium in the church (the auditorium where I had my recitals was actually at my high school) to watch the performances.

It turned out that it wasn't just a dance recital -- there were musical performances too. The one I saw was really good. It featured kids of varying ages and adults. In the last section of the song, a bunch of little kids stepped up to a higher stage in the front and sang. They were adorable. A lady beside me started waving and laughing. She poked me, pointed to the cutest girl and said, "She's my daughter." It was sweet. Then I left to go pee, finally, and that's all I remember.

In this dream, I played an actor or extra. I've been interested in getting back into acting for some time (I played Puck and Bottom in two high school productions of A Midsummer Night's Dream), but as it did in the dream, it would exhaust me and I don't love it nearly enough to make that kind of commitment. I would always feel desperate to get the scene over with, as I was in my dream.

I feel like my growing desperation to hear "That's a wrap" kind of represents my attitudes about a lot of things because of my health problems and also my boredom with my life. This representation probably symbolizes my excitement about finishing this semester of school. I'm sick of having to ask for extensions and missing classes. The work itself has become tiresome because there's always a looming deadline for a project that isn't something I want to do as a career. It's helpful to learn, though. You never know when I might need whatever skill the assignments are preparing me for.

I went to a party last night. My night wasn't rowdy, but I was standing and walking a lot of the time, so I'm really tired even though I got nine hours of sleep. I woke up less than half an hour ago. It's almost 3 p.m. now. Don't get me wrong, parties are exhausting to everyone, I think, but before I got sick with that virus last summer, I had much better endurance than I do now. I could wake feel rested after six hours of sleep. For months now, I never really feel rested, so I'm glad that when school is over I can rest whenever and for however long as I need to.

I will go to Hawaii in five days! We will not playing tourists this trip. It's more of a relax-on-the-beach vacation. I can't imagine anything more restful! It is supposed to be hot, but not hotter than a typical summer in Toronto, where I live. For a while I was concerned about how I would handle the heat, but now I'm excited. I'm so used to being cold all of the time!

My mom gave me a generous amount of spending money for Hawaii. She wants me to buy pants and shoes, both of which I have difficulty finding that fit me because I'm so petite! Sometimes I feel very determined to gain weight. Like yesterday, I heated up a plate of chicken Parmesan with spaghetti. I cut the breast into a piece I felt I would be able to eat and didn't give myself too many noodles. I was convinced I would be able to eat it! No dice... Ha ha. I ate a lot of it, though. I just wasn't very hungry. I realize that in instances like these, I'm most driven to eat by my desire to gain weight. I'm 5'2 and I weigh less than 100 pounds (the most I've ever weighed is about 107) and I think I look kind of gross. My forearms are just skin and bones. Seriously.

For years, people have expressed concern about my weight. I've always been thin. Mostly been a light eater. Very few have asked me if I'm anorexic or something -- but still, "few" is too much. I think my thin frame makes me look weak and kind of sick. I don't want to look that way! I want a full figure because I think it looks healthy to have a bit of fat all over the body. I'm so glad that I don't look sick and I want to look even better. Lately I've been blow-drying my hair after every shower, wearing a bra whenever I go out, usually wearing jewellery, hats and my nice jackets and coats. I'm trying to compensate for feeling awful by looking great.

I've also become a bit vain. Ha ha. I often find myself looking in the mirror. Just yesterday I was playing with my hair and staring at my reflection in the window of the subway. Don't worry, I didn't miss my stop or anything. I was wearing good shoes too, mind you they're falling apart now. I enjoyed hearing the heels click on the floor. They were clicking quickly because I was walking quickly (Yay! Energy!) -- a sound you hear with business people, dressed up on their way to somewhere important. Dressing up makes me feel important.


  1. As I've told you before - you are WELCOME to take some of my fat from all over, as I can easily afford to lose some! How about 20lbs? 20lbs spread out all over you will make a nice difference for you, and a nice difference for me!

    I hope you have a great time in Hawaii! I think that's one of the places I'd love to go to someday, but never will. Too expensive to get there!

  2. Thanks Lindsey! I agree that 20 pounds would be fab! I'm sure some plastic surgeon out there will be willing to do it!

    Since you will be light, you will be able to fit into my suitcase when I go to Hawaii. Yep. That's how much I want you to experience it! You deserve it, after all...

  3. You're welcome to take 10lbs from me too, any time. I was well on my way to my ideal weight and then I discovered cashew nuts are good for me and started eating them again as a snack only I can't stop..!

    It sounds like you're about the same size as my little sister and she has the same problem. She's always had a tiny appetite, made worse by a bout of meningitis as a young adult. She totally freaks out when people comment on her weight or eating habits. A recent cheesecake "diet" appears to have helped slightly, LOL!
    I wouldn't extol the long-term virtues of this though - she's like an energizer bunny with all that sugar in her system :-)

    Anyway, what I wanted to say was I love what you've written in this post. I think it's great you're taking care in your appearance - so often looking good can make you feel good too. And a little admiration of your appearance can go a long way in improving your self-esteem. 'Vanity' has such negative connotations; think of it as appreciation of yourself instead - a little self-nurturing is a wonderful thing.

  4. I was gone to Tennessee and missed some of your posts, but I read everything. I guess you are in Hawaii right now and that is good. I look forward to hearing about it when you come back – maybe you can show us some of your pictures? I have never been there but I know it is very beautiful and you’ll have a great time. Enjoy!

  5. Terri, I know! Cashews are kind of addictive, as long as they are salted! I LOVE "appreciation of yourself." It's a show of confidence, I think. I'm embracing the features of my body and face that I love the most. I have a lot of fun with my hats and necklaces. Unfortunately, my best sun hat is starting to fall apart! Darn felt!

    Thanks Vagabonde! I am in Maui now. Last time was my first Hawaii experience and I went to most of the islands on a cruise. It sure is beautiful, here. And so relaxing! What parts of Hawaii have you been to? I hope you had fun in Tennessee!