This morning I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept at all. Normal occurrence for me.
I never really "woke up" today. Not normal.
Today's dazed, exhausted, nauseous, fatigued experience has reminded me has reminded me that my recent decision was a wise one: I am deferring my second semester until next year. Probably January, but maybe May 2011. I didn't even consider this option until after I went to Disability services at school last week to figure out what I would need to do to officially inform my professors of my disabling issues and request accommodations. Then a couple of days ago I was trying to figure out how I would pay for the second semester's tuition, all of which is due on the first day of classes. I cannot access the second half of my disability grant from the government in time for the second semester tuition deadline.
Then I realized that this is the first year of having this school payment grant for students with permanent disabilities that I felt comfortable accepting it. I felt I deserved it. Needed it. The difference this time is that accessing funds isn't my biggest hurdle. Physically getting to and from school and finding the energy to do homework -- those are my biggest hurdles. I know now that I cannot meet them yet. Rest will help me more than money will.
I realized that there were no accommodations my professors could give me that would ease my symptoms and help me enjoy my studies. Not with the way I've been feeling.
I won't be going into school tomorrow (technically today, but my nap earlier threw my sleep schedule off). I don't expect to feel any better then, plus I need to save my energy to work on a paper. I'm really looking forward to sleeping for as long as I need to without feeling like I'm letting myself or other students down. It will be nice to avoid draining myself of energy so frequently.
I'm disappointed that I won't be able to finish school, start working and move out this year. I was really excited about that, but now I realize that these would be very unrealistic, unhealthy decisions. I feel foolish for thinking I would be ready, but I think I was just anxious to gain independence after staying home sick for seven months until January and then seeing my sister move from her apartment with her boyfriend to her own place by the beach. I think I should avoid looking so far into the future. I can still enjoy my life, of course. After all, I am a homebody! I don't mind being at home, playing with the puppy, listening to music, reading and writing. These are my favourite things to do. It won't be a full life, though. I thought school would give me a full life, even if I remained sick throughout my time there. Nope. That didn't give me a full life either because I was too sick to enjoy it.
I'm not really upset about my decision. I'm actually happy with it. This semester will end in late April and I wish it was sooner. I feel at peace about everything because I know I did the right thing. I'm proud of myself for facing facts and admitting that I just can't do this right now. I kind of feel like I've given up, especially because it's not like I wasn't doing well in school Most of my grades were really good. And I'm physically capable of going to class and doing the work. It could be worse, Ashley. You're lucky you are well enough to be able to go to school. It's that brutal "buck up/be grateful" mentality I keep drilling into myself. Guilt.
My parents completely support my decision to stay home. I feel bad for assuming they wouldn't. I was nervous to tell them. They want me to feel better. My mom had the good sense to book me an appointment with my internist. Of all of my doctors, i am confident that she is the one who will make me feel that I've made the right decision, that I really am suffering. I want her to rule out other potential health problems -- by "rule out," I mean that I don't expect there to be anything new. I also want her to refer me to physical and occupational therapy and suggest different treatment options for my heart.
I've made a lot of changes these past few days. I feel like I'm going backward.