**Warning: There is swearing in this post**
Telemarketer: Congratulations! You've won an unlimited supply of pain! Brought to you by our sponsors: Illness and Activity!
Just for being our loyal customer at Health Problems R Us, we're offering you worse-than-usual neck and back pain. All you have to do is sit, stand or walk! As a bonus, you'll receive swelling and pressure in your legs and feet that will making standing painful, fatiguing and uncomfortable.
But wait! There's more! You'll be entered in a contest. The grand prize is several days without a bowel movement. You won't even have to pack your appetite because you'll be be too preoccupied with your nausea and abdominal pain.
Thank you for choosing Health Problems R Us. For more information on our services, press 1. (I press 1)
Operator: Thank you for calling Health Problems R Us. All of our customer service representatives are busy at this time. Please stay on the line and another symptom will be with you shortly.
(John Mellencamp's "Hurts So Good" plays over the phone)
Customer Service Representative: Hi, Welcome to Health Problems R Us. How can I help you?
Me: Hi, I just got a message saying I'm your customer and I won a bunch of symptoms, but I'm not your customer and I didn't enter a contest.
CSR: Okay, let me check your file. Name please?
Me: My name is Ashley Ashbee, A-s-h-l-e-y A-s-h-b-e-e but I don't have a file --
CSR: Oh, it says here your friend Asshole Body entered you. Wow, she has purchased a lot of services for you!
Ashley: I don't know this Asshole Body. I don't even like symptoms.
CSR: But you're so lucky to have Asshole Body. She has purchased you symptoms without life threatening consequences! That's a fine gift.
Ashley: No, it really isn't. Asshole Body just doesn't understand what it's like to get these prizes all the time. I just... I don't want these services anymore. Can you remove them, please?
CSR: Oh no, I'm sorry. Miss Body has signed you up for life. This can't be undone.
CSR: Yes. We've customized the symptoms for your specific illnesses. We can't give this to anyone else. This service is unique for every person. You are lucky.
Ashley: So what am I supposed to do? I don't want it!
CSR: We can offer you a keychain that says: "Fucked for life"?
Ashley: Sure, why not.