Here I am, having been awake since 3:30 a.m. or so, wondering what to do with myself.
I've been especially fatigued and tired lately. The other day I went for a walk and I had to stop and sit down to recharge, mind you this was after walking for probably an hour. I had pretty much forced myself out, despite my symptoms, because I wanted to walk -- I love to walk -- and it was about time that I got some fresh air and exercise, especially with the warm, sunny weather. I've been sleeping for at least 12 hours a day and as a consequence of this (or, perhaps a benefit), I have become nocturnal. Here is what I like most about being nocturnal:
1.I get to be alone for hours.
2. No one will come into my room and interrupt my quiet time.
3. I don't have to babysit the dog.
4. I don't have to feel guilty for being inside.
5. It's dark.
6. It's quiet in my house: no dog barking, t.v blaring, talking
7. It's quiet outside: no one yelling, little traffic, no birds chirping.
8. If I need to cry, I can do so privately.
Reading this list makes me realize that I probably come off as a hermit -- but wait: I am! I spend most of my time inside. Sometimes days will go by before I go outside again. This isn't really part of my illness: I've always been a homebody, hence my Blogger url name "loveablehomebody." I don't know that being a homebody is a loveable quality, though. In literature, the homebody often seems to labeled an eccentric spinster, like the witch in Hansel and Gretel, or the crazy cat lady. I will be one of those some day and I'm actually looking forward to it! I just want to have a cottage in the woods without a husband or children, just a dog. I will take up gardening and learn to knit sweaters for my dog. I may also learn Solitaire and start playing the trombone again. I will watch a Disney movie every day. Wouldn't this character be loveable, especially in a play, book or film?
Don't get me wrong, I love to go out every now and then. I love to be crazy shock people for my own amusement. I often hope my antics will amuse others -- usually they do -- but sometimes they don't. I'm reminded of a class in my Environmental Writing course in my first year of university. My instructor was taking us through the wooded area on campus and mentioned something about woolly mammoths, so I waited a few minutes and then I shouted and pointed, "WOOLLY MAMMOTH!" as if I had seen one. I laughed, but my snobby classmates rolled their eyes and said things like, "Mmm... Okaaaaay." I didn't get self conscious of my performance after this unfortunate response. I was able to laugh at myself -- and at the snobs.
Now I'm also smiling about that time I was 11 when my friend and sister dared me to skinny dip in my pool -- and I did! What makes it particularly funny is that at the time, it didn't occur to me to get into the pool and then take my suit off in the water. Instead, I took it off outside, got on the ladder, where any neighbor could see, and then got into the water. What was I thinking???!
I imagine a lot of situations like this and I find myself laughing all of the time about stuff that pops into my head. This is one of the reasons why I am so happy to be alone: I don't need other people to have fun! This, aside from being strong from previous, similar experience, probably makes me handle illness and long rest periods better than a lot of people. I make it fun and I'm usually happy.
Update: Three weeks+ long asthma flare up is mostly over!!!! I thought maybe this was the root of the worse than usual fatigue and tiredness lately, so I guess I was wrong. Unfortunately, I've been frequently getting that sensation again, that feels like a bubble slowly expands and then contracts in my head, an episode that lasts about thirty seconds. More than usual, my heart's also been racing often when I'm standing or walking, so maybe that's contributing to the fatigue. It's a mystery, I guess! Sometimes I wish House was my doctor, not only because he can apparently solve any case, but also, because I think my sarcasm would make an amusing exchange:
House: So, what brings you here today?
Ashley: Well --
House: Let me guess: your boyfriend dumped you and in your pity you've been starving yourself. (lifts up my skinny wrists) Now you want to know why you're so tired.
Ashley: Actually, I don't have a boyfriend.
House: Oooh, so you're a homewrecker, eh? Nice.
Ashley: Close: I'm probably asexual.
House: Nooo... A bombshell like you?
Ashley: Yes. Anyway, I'm here because (explains cornucopia of symptoms and conditions)
House: Let me guess: you want drugs?
Ashley: How did you know? (Note: I don't actually want drugs... This is fictional sarcasm)
House: We'll run some tests. In the meantime, you can use a cane. Here, try mine. (He hands it to me)
(I slam it into his knees and walk out of the room with it)
House: I guess I don't need to do the strength test!