I haven't written in a week. Why? I haven't wanted to, but I've definitely had things to say.
You see, my asthma is STILL acting up: wheezing, coughing, shortness of breath and chest pain. It takes breaks, sometimes for a whole day or half a day. Sometimes, I'm mostly fine, with attacks throughout the day that just last a few minutes
But darn it, I hate to use the phrase "asthma attack" to describe my symptoms. It's so dramatic and conjures images of gasps -- desperation for air. This isn't me. BUT, I do technically have asthma attacks. I have all of the symptoms, mainly difficulty breathing. Still, I don't want people to worry. Mainly I think of this flare-up (that's lasted about a month now, I think) as a nuisance. I don't take it seriously, as awful as I often feel. Sometimes I'm so affected I can't speak a full sentence without coughing or taking a breath. That's bad. It's also bad that I usually need my rescue inhaler once or twice a day. That's also bad. And I'm on the maximum strength and dosage of my controller inhaler, but it doesn't seem to work much. That's terrible!
I think I tend not to take it seriously because for years now, I've had breathing problems once a year that kind of feel like asthma, but are really just from post-nasal drip (allergies/colds). In high school I got a lot of sinus infections that caused post-nasal drip. I haven't had a sinus infection in years, but I sometimes still get the drip. Looking back, I understand how my post-nasal drip breathing problems were different from asthma: I could breathe; it was just really uncomfortable and I coughed a lot.
But this... This is unmistakable asthma. Well, at the moment it's just chest pain. Why do I minimize my symptoms like this? "JUST chest pain"? I should probably go to the doctor to get a different, stronger relief inhaler and make sure I don't have a chest infection. This is no way to live and who knows: my asthma could get worse in this flare-up or my next flare-up could be very serious. I'm just convinced that my asthma symptoms won't be active at the doctor and I'll look like a fool. He'll give me the medicine anyway, based on the symptoms I'll describe and my history, but I hate going to the doctor unless he has proof of what I've explained. I feel like an idiot.
Also, I'm really sick of going to doctors. I've had so many appointments since I got sick with that terrible virus last June. Not only do I still have post-viral syndrome, but the Dandy Walker symptoms have worsened, my eye muscles were weak for a while (drunk vision) and I've had three asthma flare-ups since November, each more serious and lasting longer than the one before it. I usually have only one flare-up a year. Not to mention all of the weird non-specific symptoms that no one has been able to explain. I have every reason to believe that a visit to the doctor and tests won't give me any explanation for the increase in frequency, duration and severity of the flare-ups. Also, I sincerely doubt I'll get any information about when the asthma will settle.
I'm feeling a bit blue right now because I don't feel well and I'm so frustrated about it. Also, because of the G20 summit riots in Toronto and other reasons, only one person could come to my sister and I's birthday: the amazing friend my sister and I share. She's amazing. I had a great time with her. Still. I wanted a party! There are so many people I want to see, but don't because of illness. And I missed my birthday last year because I was really not doing well with what turned out to be a brief liver injury.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so bored and lonely, but I don't often have much energy to really have fun -- at least not for long it seems. Maybe I should have a tea party.