Thursday, June 17, 2010

Under the Sea

I would like to go for a walk now. The sun is bright and the flowers have bloomed. I also felt a lovely breeze when I was outside briefly this morning. I won't go for a walk because my asthma is still in a flare-up. It's not bad now, but activity worsens it.

I felt pretty good yesterday morning. I couldn't stop smiling after I left the house to go to see my ophthalmologist appointment check-up (no problems!) I was so happy to feel energetic and strong. I loved wearing my yellow trench coat. I felt so cute!

Then last night I went out for dinner with my sister and a friend. The walk to the restaurant and the laughter inside made me cough violently, so I opted not to go out to the bar with them because I felt so awful. I wanted to go to the bar. I really did. But I wanted my bed even more. I couldn't concentrate on the fun time anymore and I really didn't want to get worse. So I took a cab home, let my dog out, then went to bed.

I wasn't sad to go to bed -- more relieved, especially after taking my inhalers and settling my breathing, but I was disappointed that I had to make that call: no more fun, Ashley. Go home. Go to bed.

Today I'm feeling blue because it has hit me that I probably missed a great time last night. I hate that I so often have to make decisions based on my health, not on what I want to do. To cheer myself up, I think I will watch a Disney movie.

For some reason, I have never written about my life-long obsession with Disney in this blog. Seriously, I still watch Disney movies regularly. When I was a kid, I watched Disney cartoons like Duck Tales (which made me a MASSIVE Scrooge McDuck fan!) and Darkwing Duck. I have a Sebastian the Crab (from the Little Mermaid) beanie beside my computer. He makes me smile. I have a bunch of other Disney stuffed animals in my room tucked away. Oh! And my Grandpa made me some Disney character costumes for Halloweens when I was young, like Scrooge McDuck, Sebastian and Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. How could I forget: when I was six, the Sunshine Foundation, which grants wishes to children with illnesses and disabilities, gave me a wish. Naturally I wished to go to Walt Disney World with my family. There I had a private meeting with Scrooge McDuck himself!

I've always been fascinated with how Disney animation is made. When I was a kid I wanted to be a cartoon voice actress and voice a Disney character in a movie. I still think it would be neat!

Anyway, as if you couldn't tell, I'm still a kid in a lot of ways. I'm also very nostalgic, which is partly why I started this blog. You see, I have a long history of feeling like garbage, having lots of medical appointments, provisions in school -- the list goes on. The illnesses I've suffered this past year have made me relive the trauma of it all. It just keeps going on and on -- pre-existing conditions overlapping, most likely because I'm still weak after that nasty virus I had last year.

Sometimes I feel like I write about it all too much here, that others will think I'm making it up or exaggerating. Or I will tell myself that I should just shut up and get over it. I also often wonder what compels me to write about it all so much and so often. The truth is, when I have trouble breathing, I can think of little else. It's exhausting and painful. When standing or walking make me feel fatigued, wobbly and achey, it's hard not to become sad. I love to walk. It's one of my very favourite things to do. It was hard to take a break from school, especially because I did so well. I definitely rushed going into post-grad. I wasn't well enough. I was just so excited to get a grown-up job at a not-for-profit organization as a communicator.

Most of it all, it's hard not knowing when things will get better, how long they will stay better and what will come up in the future. As cliche as it sounds, it really is best for me to take it one day at a time. The future is too overwhelming. I wonder how my health and disability issues will affect my work and social life. I'm also concerned I won't feel well during my birthday party next week...


  1. Oh, you will! You will feel ABSOLUTELY amazing and beautiful at your birthday party. I will pray. You're going to feel so good that you'll not care about all these illnesses and how they may affect you. You'll just feel so cool to be born as you! I assure you. You will. Amen.

    And one more thing. Come here. Big hug to you!

    p.s. yellow trench coat made me smile :) :)

  2. I don't think you're making anything up - I think you're just being you! And it's really good!

  3. Hoping you are feeling better and feeling stronger for your birthday!

  4. I'm sure you'll be so happy about your birthday that you'll have a great day!

    OK here's what I think: you write about all that stuff here because you need an outlet. It's on your mind, and you need to talk about it but I'm guessing you don't feel comfortable talking about it to the people around you. At least not as much as you do here. So here is your outlet. Isn't it great that such a place as this exists? :)

    btw You'll have to post a pic of that yellow trench coat some time; I'm trying to picture it but not quite getting it right!

  5. Ashley,
    Ah, so a Lumiere costume when you were a kid - no doubt that lead to the lamp shade on your head!! (haha).

    I hope you feel good and healthy on your birthday. Oh ya, Happy Birthday!


  6. Ashley,

    As I said on your last post, your life just now is about how you feel. It's what you know the most about. How you deal with it is valuable information for anyone with health issues, even those not related to your complications.

    Your writing style is gregarious, funny, very informative and you are NOT a whiner. I look forward to your posts!

  7. Sorry guys, I haven't really been in the mood to write individual comments.

    But I did want to thank everyone for assuring me that I don't whine and that I'll have a good birthday! You are all great and you make me smile!