I. Can't. Sleep.
I blame it on sleeping so much so often for so long that now that I'm better my body is boycotting sleep. Maybe. I haven't really been able to get to sleep until I've been very tired. It's 6 am and I think that time has come... BUT the thing is. When I do fall asleep, it will be for a long time or I will need a nap soon. I find I need a lot of sleep to feel good and strong. Something tells me that I will read this post tomorrow and be disappointed in the writing, or I will find typos or grammatical errors. I think I'm too hard on myself sometimes. BUT I think being tired gives me the excuse I want for not liking my writing tonight. It doesn't meet my standards because I am tired. Yes.
I actually ran yesterday! Seriously. Originally, I was just going to go for a walk with Pounce, my puppy. But I felt so strong and energetic, that I decided we should run. Or maybe his running with a twig inspired me. I can't remember. Again, I'll blame that on tiredness.
It was a short run... Just a couple of blocks. But it was a great start and I'm so proud of myself. I originally didn't want to write about my pride because it's just a run Ashley! But it feels like a triumph since I was feeling so poorly for such a long time with my asthma. But running... Running requires a lot of air intake and expulsion. Running made me remember how my lungs were supposed to work.
Also, I was not having fatigue or balance problems yesterday. So I felt very connected to the ground as I walked. I wanted to know what that strong connection felt like as I ran. Now I do! It's good body times like these that I feel bad about seeking physical therapy and considering getting a walking cane for bad times. I had one just the other day. I was on a walk, wobbly, and so I was waddling a bit, twisting my back which was already sore. I hated feeling disconnected from the ground.
But yesterday during my run/walk/run I didn't have that disconnection. I felt strong. Almost invincible. I don't know how else to explain it, but it felt like I hadn't had any mobility issue or fatigue. Ever. That happens to me on good days. It makes me smile. But then another day, after a period of great walking, the symptoms will start. Or I'll have some difficulty on my stairs at home or somewhere else. And I'll feel so defeated. Let down. Like I got my hopes up. Got used to something grand. And now I don't know how to handle feeling terrible.
I hate to say it, but this cycle sometimes makes it hard for me to enjoy good periods, especially because good periods make me wonder if I was imagining the bad ones. Stupid, I know. But still. Also, good periods often only last so long as I'm relatively inactive. But if I overdo it, which is very easy and quick to do, I suffer with symptoms afterward. So a good period for me is filled with dread at times. And guilt for bringing on worse symptoms. I know, I know. Living my life shouldn't bring on symptoms. I'm 24 years old. I shouldn't have to live my life this way. Most of all, I should never feel guilty for enjoying my life. And I have been enjoying it.
Sometimes it is also hard to enjoy good periods because the trauma of a bad period remains. I had trouble breathing for most of a month. Most of the time it hurt to exhale. Only medication and lying still helped. That takes a toll emotionally. I don't just get over that. Also, it's kind of a shock because my asthma is generally mild and flare-ups are short lived. I didn't expect to have to deal with this bad one on top of everything else. The asthma, like my other problems, was both prevented and relieved by complete rest. When I'm active, there are often physically repercussions. It's not great incentive to be active.
I don't mind my quiet life, really. I love to sleep. I love to read and write and cuddle my dog. I'm a homebody. I tend to be anti-social often. This kind of life kind of suits me. It doesn't feel like a waste.
It's just hard not knowing how I will feel in the future or how my issues will affect my career and relationships. What will I face in the future? None of us really know, I guess. It doesn't scare me. It sometimes just feels futile, waiting to feel better -- not just from this particular illness but from flare-ups of pre-existing conditions. I mean, I feel good very often. Really good. But it never lasts long. These flare-ups of everything will keep coming back.
A long period of feeling good. That's what I want. That is true wellness. I haven't felt it in a long time, but here's hoping this weekend will be amazing like the last one! Friends are the greatest therapy.