Thursday, July 15, 2010

Birds Chirp. I type.

I. Can't. Sleep.

I blame it on sleeping so much so often for so long that now that I'm better my body is boycotting sleep. Maybe. I haven't really been able to get to sleep until I've been very tired. It's 6 am and I think that time has come... BUT the thing is. When I do fall asleep, it will be for a long time or I will need a nap soon. I find I need a lot of sleep to feel good and strong. Something tells me that I will read this post tomorrow and be disappointed in the writing, or I will find typos or grammatical errors. I think I'm too hard on myself sometimes. BUT I think being tired gives me the excuse I want for not liking my writing tonight. It doesn't meet my standards because I am tired. Yes.

I actually ran yesterday! Seriously. Originally, I was just going to go for a walk with Pounce, my puppy. But I felt so strong and energetic, that I decided we should run. Or maybe his running with a twig inspired me. I can't remember. Again, I'll blame that on tiredness.

It was a short run... Just a couple of blocks. But it was a great start and I'm so proud of myself. I originally didn't want to write about my pride because it's just a run Ashley! But it feels like a triumph since I was feeling so poorly for such a long time with my asthma. But running... Running requires a lot of air intake and expulsion. Running made me remember how my lungs were supposed to work.

Also, I was not having fatigue or balance problems yesterday. So I felt very connected to the ground as I walked. I wanted to know what that strong connection felt like as I ran. Now I do! It's good body times like these that I feel bad about seeking physical therapy and considering getting a walking cane for bad times. I had one just the other day. I was on a walk, wobbly, and so I was waddling a bit, twisting my back which was already sore. I hated feeling disconnected from the ground.

But yesterday during my run/walk/run I didn't have that disconnection. I felt strong. Almost invincible. I don't know how else to explain it, but it felt like I hadn't had any mobility issue or fatigue. Ever. That happens to me on good days. It makes me smile. But then another day, after a period of great walking, the symptoms will start. Or I'll have some difficulty on my stairs at home or somewhere else. And I'll feel so defeated. Let down. Like I got my hopes up. Got used to something grand. And now I don't know how to handle feeling terrible.

I hate to say it, but this cycle sometimes makes it hard for me to enjoy good periods, especially because good periods make me wonder if I was imagining the bad ones. Stupid, I know. But still. Also, good periods often only last so long as I'm relatively inactive. But if I overdo it, which is very easy and quick to do, I suffer with symptoms afterward. So a good period for me is filled with dread at times. And guilt for bringing on worse symptoms. I know, I know. Living my life shouldn't bring on symptoms. I'm 24 years old. I shouldn't have to live my life this way. Most of all, I should never feel guilty for enjoying my life. And I have been enjoying it.

Sometimes it is also hard to enjoy good periods because the trauma of a bad period remains. I had trouble breathing for most of a month. Most of the time it hurt to exhale. Only medication and lying still helped. That takes a toll emotionally. I don't just get over that. Also, it's kind of a shock because my asthma is generally mild and flare-ups are short lived. I didn't expect to have to deal with this bad one on top of everything else. The asthma, like my other problems, was both prevented and relieved by complete rest. When I'm active, there are often physically repercussions. It's not great incentive to be active.

I don't mind my quiet life, really. I love to sleep. I love to read and write and cuddle my dog. I'm a homebody. I tend to be anti-social often. This kind of life kind of suits me. It doesn't feel like a waste.

It's just hard not knowing how I will feel in the future or how my issues will affect my career and relationships. What will I face in the future? None of us really know, I guess. It doesn't scare me. It sometimes just feels futile, waiting to feel better -- not just from this particular illness but from flare-ups of pre-existing conditions. I mean, I feel good very often. Really good. But it never lasts long. These flare-ups of everything will keep coming back.

A long period of feeling good. That's what I want. That is true wellness. I haven't felt it in a long time, but here's hoping this weekend will be amazing like the last one! Friends are the greatest therapy.


  1. I am so glad you have good days, Ashley.
    Your attitude in the face of all your hardships is so amazing.
    If you were to get to know God, it might help you understand why you are going through this.
    I think you mentioned once that you were an Atheist.
    We need to work on that.

  2. So very glad that you feeling better. Hope that it continues for a very long time!


  3. I'm the exact opposite: I can't stay awake! I need a good ten hours sleep a night, but I also find myself wanting to fall back to sleep around 3pm - what's that all about? (And stop being hard on yourself about any errors, I always say that if you can understand what the otehr person is trying to say, then it's fine. Besides, I can't see any!)

    Well done you on the running; I just can't run, I just don't see the point!

    I hope you get your long period of wellness, I really do.

  4. I'm happy for you that at least you have had so many good days lately. You needed some relief. I sure am hoping this turns into "long periods of feeling good" - like years.

    It's lucky you enjoy a nice quiet life but I know you also like to go out and have fun with your friends sometimes.

    I can feel your frustration. None of us really know what the future holds. But I believe things will work out OK; you will go on to finish school, have a career and relationships that will undoubtedly not be what you expected or planned on; but hopefully make you very happy.


  5. extremely happy to see you had good days and you enjoyed it. In life, you need sometime for yourself too... and you get motivated and engertic again.. So always give yourself time to relax and enjoy what you have.

    My best wishes are always with you dear!

    Sabi Sunshine

  6. Thumbs up for taking initiative and going for a run... especially since you suffer from asthma... and also because it made you feel good about yourself, Ashley. We all need an energizing boost to remind us of the beauty of life, every once in a while. Everyone has challenges, and some challenges are more daunting than others, but overcoming those challenges bit by bit is sort of the spice of life. We learn to appreciate the good times more because we have a point of comparison, I suppose. It's sad, but that seems to be how it works.

    I hope you will keep driving yourself without exhausting yourself. And Pounce! What a lovely name for a dog!!!


  7. First, I just wanted to say - you are an enchanting writer no matter how tired you are! As for typos, the wonderful thing about blogs is that you can always go back the next day and edit!

    I'll bet that run felt wonderful - and you should be proud of yourself! I hope (and pray) that these good days continue for you.

  8. I'm so glad you had a good day Ashley. I'm sure it felt great to run even if your lungs weren't too happy about it after ward. Maybe there is an activity that you could do that would give you the same high as running but without the heavy cardio on your lungs. Maybe you could brainstorm all the things that you like doing or want to try and then you could test them out and see if one fits. This helps me when I'm feeling stuck in a rut. Good luck and stay positive!

  9. I too have sleep issues.
    And, if someone wakes me on the weekend when I could have slept in, I'm PISSED!
    But if allowed to sleep and I wake up feeling great...then all is well in the world.

  10. Joe - Thanks for being happy for me and for complimenting my attitude. I was very offended to read your other comments on my Atheism which imply that: a) You are going to try to convert me because you believe your beliefs are superior, b) That there is a key to living a full life that I cannot understand as an Atheist. I am not an Atheist because I have suffered.

    Jane - Thank you for rooting for me! Man, I hope so too.

    Kate - 10 hours plus naps is a lot. I think you should see your doctor. I'm glad that you know what you need, though. Thanks for telling me to stop being hard on myself!

    Robin - Thanks for seeing that I need relief and reminding me of all I have to look forward to! You are so right!

    Sabi - Thanks for being so happy for me and encouraging me to take my time! My problem tends to be that I overdo it when I have a good day.

    Nevine - You are right! It did make me feel good about myself and it was especially exciting within the context of my health problems. You are always so perceptive! And great advice to pace myself! Pounce and I thank you. He really does pounce!

    Sarsaparilla - Your comment on my writing made me blush! And you're right: I can always edit. Thanks!

    Denise - The cardio didn't seem to affect my lungs much aside from some chest pain and mucous. But I didn't wheeze or cough! I think you're right though: I need to experiment to figure out what is best for me exercise wise. It's a question for the physical therapist! Thanks a lot!

    Whosyergurl - Yes, many of us aren't morning people. Good luck with that.

  11. Good on you! Hope you are having a gorgeous weekend! x

  12. Sorry, Ashley, my intent was not to try to convert you. If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't have mentioned it at all, if that means anything.

  13. Kellie - Thanks for the support and well wishes! It was a great weekend!

    Dr. Goose - That's very sweet. Thank you.

    Joe - Thank you. I know you care. I only ask that you respect my beliefs, especially on my blog.