Friday, September 3, 2010

Another Friday

For some reason there is a rock on my desk and I'd really like to throw it. But at what? Any suggestions? (Objects only, please).

I'm thinking maybe of going outside to do it. My dad recently put some new sod down, so a rock falling on it would make an awesome thud. Or maybe my mom will allow me to sacrifice one of her dishes? There is actually a light bulb beside the rock. I think it's a sign.

I feel angry right now. I should have been out with my friends tonight, but they and my sister were going out together to a bar that I don't care to travel to alone by public transit. I didn't want to pay for a cab home either, as my friends have all moved out and none of them live near me anymore. Like I would take the bus home by myself at night. Not that they would let me. It's okay. I don't feel great anyway. Just leg wobbles and leg fatigue. I could have used some laughs, though. My friends are hilarious.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I want to be out, but I don't. I don't even know what to write in here. I was thinking an opinion piece, but I don't feel passionate about anything now. I don't even know what to write. I feel lost and useless. That's why I'm angry.

I'm feeling pressure to volunteer or get a job -- something that would get me out of the house more -- but damnit, I don't want to commit to anything. I really don't and I have reason not to. I keep getting crummy days, or at least days that are partly crummy. I canceled on friends two weekends in a row and canceled two physio appointments in a row. It was painful to cancel all of these. The guilt is terrible. Getting a part-time job or volunteering would mean having to work when I didn't feel well, and possibly feeling worse because of being active more often. Not to mention more cancellations.

And it's not like I know when I'm going to feel like garbage, so I can't exactly schedule around it. I'm frustrated. School doesn't start for four months. I can tolerate doing nothing until then. It's the pressure that I can't tolerate. Feeling like I'm letting my family and friends down. Feeling guilty about saying I don't feel well, like I'm such a broken record.

I do chores and I pet sit and I write. I go for walks. I go to physio. I am reasonably productive for someone who is off sick, right? Still, some days like today I feel bored and boring. I generally feel much better after a long rest, so I admit there is sometimes little incentive to actually do things. Sometimes it feels like activity is punishment. When I'm out doing things, I always wonder how I will pay for it later. And I usually pay. So there is fear in committing to things or wondering about what I should commit to in terms of work or volunteering. It triggers terrible memories of being in post-grad PR school this year and not fulfilling my parts of group work. This fear is completely realistic. That's what scares me most of all.

I really didn't want to write an entry about all this. I really didn't. My last post, the article on Toronto actor Robert Nolan, is part of what I want to do for a living. I love that I keep getting practice at it. I just interviewed a friend for an article I'm going to post up here to promote his band's upcoming album release. It went well, I had fun and I'm excited. These are the kinds of things I want my blog to be mainly about and I think they will be once I get over this Post-Viral Syndrome, or at least when I get back into school. I hope the Dandy Walker eases when the Post Viral Syndrome does, but I'm very prepared and conscious that it will still be a part of my life regardless, at least as much a part as it was before I got sick when I really just ignored it for the most part. I need to learn to work with it better. I have to get comfortable telling people what I need and not get back into denial about what I will need.

I like that I have a readership. People will actually see my feature-style articles. They'll see me grow too. I think of this blog as an online portfolio. I didn't want to be a downer yet again, but I need to write. It's my way of figuring things out and exercising my creativity while making at least some kind of an audience while I wait to get back into professional writing work. At the same time, it's connecting me to people who support me and people who feel supported by me.

I can only write about what I know. This is what I know right now. I know it well. I'm filling my online portfolio, which I will share with potential employers, yet I'm filling it with evidence that I'm not interested or feeling capable of work right now and haven't been for several months. It seems counter productive, no?

11 comments :

  1. Sometimes when you just don't feel like it, force yourself to do it anyway. For me it always helps. As for me, I love reading your posts, you're a good writer. It also gives me something interesting to to as I am a homebody and there is nothing I'd rather do than stay home and hang with my fam or read good blogs. Get better soon!

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  2. Do you play an instrument? Guitar maybe? If not, you could try picking that up...it is lots of fun and you can be creative too.
    Or those electronic keyboards that have all the cool sounds are relatively inexpensive and don't take up much room?

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  3. I enjoy your blog as well. Here's hoping you will have a better day today!

    Jane

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  4. The keyboard sounds like a good idea. One could also get permission to visit the elderly in a nursing home, many don't have relatives near. An act of kindness that would give you and them a little joy! It wouldn't need to be a definte schedule either.

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  5. First off don't feel guilty. That's pointless and you have no reason to feel that way. You can't control your illness and you can't ignore it.

    Do what's best for you, not what other people want you to do. I understand how you feel about being afraid to do anything active because you know you will pay for it. I felt that way about food. Basically everything I was eating was making me sick so I stopped eating. I was consuming less than a thousand calories a day and that started to effect me.

    I finally had to force myself to eat small amounts of "safe" food every three hours because my stomach didn't know how to handle food anymore. I was also in denial because I wasn't doing this for the reason most people become anorexic (it didn't go on long enough and I didn't lose enough weight to be considered anorexic thank goodness), I was doing it because I was tired of being sick all the times. At first I felt worse, but before long I felt much better! I've slowly started branching out from my safe foods and occasionally I do eat the wrong thing and get sick again, but now I don't panic about it because I know what my safe foods are.

    I don't know if this fully translates to you situation, but I hope it does at least show that I do understand. I can't tell you what to do for your particular situation (except don't beat yourself up!!!!). I think you're probably the only one who can make that decision because you know your body the best.

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  6. The last thing you need is yourself beating up on yourself. (You know what I mean.) You'll know when the time is right to make a move. This post shows you are thinking about you next move. Hang in there!

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  7. I am back in town for a week and reading all my blogging friends posts. I read all yours. I enjoyed the interview with Robert Nolan. It is hard to get a job or volunteer when you cannot be sure to be able to manage it when you are sick. For now, you could do something at home, with a musical instrument or something else. But these are lonely ventures.
    Thanks for coming to my blog and leaving messages. I always enjoy reading your comments.

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  8. Everyone has bad days. Don't feel guilty just don't let it go on for too long. Part-time job or volunteer work sound like good ways to feel more productive and to meet new friends. You should pursue these more.

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  9. Don't feel guilty about letting people down. You can't help it. And the people that matter understand that. Go throw a rock at something loud...like corrogated iron ;)

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  10. Cottage - Thanks for the advice, but I already "force it" and have many times. This has created problems for me and is the reason I'm hesitant to "force" again. Thanks for your comments on my writing. Staying at home reading and writing sure is grand, I agree.

    Joe - No, I played piano and trombone years ago, but not well and I didn't enjoy it much. I have no desire or intention to pick up an instrument again. Thanks for the thought, though. You're very kind!

    Jane - Thanks for expressing your enjoyment! I'm having a good day today.

    Wanda - I volunteered with children for four years. It was great and I'm definitely drawn to that kind of work. Not with my health, though, because of germs. I wouldn't want to spread them or receive them, or commit to that level of responsibility. Thanks for the idea!

    Achieve - Thanks for so honestly sharing your story. Changing little by little is probably best, I agree.

    Bossy - Yes, I am thinking about my next move! Thanks for noticing.

    Vagabonde - Thanks for catching up on my posts. Yes, that's it's exactly it. It's hard to commit without knowing how I'll manage.

    Denise - I won't let it "go too long." I am going back to college in a few months. I will pursue things how I see fit, thanks. Productivity isn't the only issue.

    John - Haha. Yes, letting it go however it comes seems wise. Thanks!

    Lynda - Thanks for reminding me that people understand! It really is great.

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