For some reason there is a rock on my desk and I'd really like to throw it. But at what? Any suggestions? (Objects only, please).
I'm thinking maybe of going outside to do it. My dad recently put some new sod down, so a rock falling on it would make an awesome thud. Or maybe my mom will allow me to sacrifice one of her dishes? There is actually a light bulb beside the rock. I think it's a sign.
I feel angry right now. I should have been out with my friends tonight, but they and my sister were going out together to a bar that I don't care to travel to alone by public transit. I didn't want to pay for a cab home either, as my friends have all moved out and none of them live near me anymore. Like I would take the bus home by myself at night. Not that they would let me. It's okay. I don't feel great anyway. Just leg wobbles and leg fatigue. I could have used some laughs, though. My friends are hilarious.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't. I want to be out, but I don't. I don't even know what to write in here. I was thinking an opinion piece, but I don't feel passionate about anything now. I don't even know what to write. I feel lost and useless. That's why I'm angry.
I'm feeling pressure to volunteer or get a job -- something that would get me out of the house more -- but damnit, I don't want to commit to anything. I really don't and I have reason not to. I keep getting crummy days, or at least days that are partly crummy. I canceled on friends two weekends in a row and canceled two physio appointments in a row. It was painful to cancel all of these. The guilt is terrible. Getting a part-time job or volunteering would mean having to work when I didn't feel well, and possibly feeling worse because of being active more often. Not to mention more cancellations.
And it's not like I know when I'm going to feel like garbage, so I can't exactly schedule around it. I'm frustrated. School doesn't start for four months. I can tolerate doing nothing until then. It's the pressure that I can't tolerate. Feeling like I'm letting my family and friends down. Feeling guilty about saying I don't feel well, like I'm such a broken record.
I do chores and I pet sit and I write. I go for walks. I go to physio. I am reasonably productive for someone who is off sick, right? Still, some days like today I feel bored and boring. I generally feel much better after a long rest, so I admit there is sometimes little incentive to actually do things. Sometimes it feels like activity is punishment. When I'm out doing things, I always wonder how I will pay for it later. And I usually pay. So there is fear in committing to things or wondering about what I should commit to in terms of work or volunteering. It triggers terrible memories of being in post-grad PR school this year and not fulfilling my parts of group work. This fear is completely realistic. That's what scares me most of all.
I really didn't want to write an entry about all this. I really didn't. My last post, the article on Toronto actor Robert Nolan, is part of what I want to do for a living. I love that I keep getting practice at it. I just interviewed a friend for an article I'm going to post up here to promote his band's upcoming album release. It went well, I had fun and I'm excited. These are the kinds of things I want my blog to be mainly about and I think they will be once I get over this Post-Viral Syndrome, or at least when I get back into school. I hope the Dandy Walker eases when the Post Viral Syndrome does, but I'm very prepared and conscious that it will still be a part of my life regardless, at least as much a part as it was before I got sick when I really just ignored it for the most part. I need to learn to work with it better. I have to get comfortable telling people what I need and not get back into denial about what I will need.
I like that I have a readership. People will actually see my feature-style articles. They'll see me grow too. I think of this blog as an online portfolio. I didn't want to be a downer yet again, but I need to write. It's my way of figuring things out and exercising my creativity while making at least some kind of an audience while I wait to get back into professional writing work. At the same time, it's connecting me to people who support me and people who feel supported by me.
I can only write about what I know. This is what I know right now. I know it well. I'm filling my online portfolio, which I will share with potential employers, yet I'm filling it with evidence that I'm not interested or feeling capable of work right now and haven't been for several months. It seems counter productive, no?