Breathe

I haven't written in a week. Why? I haven't wanted to, but I've definitely had things to say.

You see, my asthma is STILL acting up: wheezing, coughing, shortness of breath and chest pain. It takes breaks, sometimes for a whole day or half a day. Sometimes, I'm mostly fine, with attacks throughout the day that just last a few minutes

But darn it, I hate to use the phrase "asthma attack" to describe my symptoms. It's so dramatic and conjures images of gasps -- desperation for air. This isn't me. BUT, I do technically have asthma attacks. I have all of the symptoms, mainly difficulty breathing. Still, I don't want people to worry. Mainly I think of this flare-up (that's lasted about a month now, I think) as a nuisance. I don't take it seriously, as awful as I often feel. Sometimes I'm so affected I can't speak a full sentence without coughing or taking a breath. That's bad. It's also bad that I usually need my rescue inhaler once or twice a day. That's also bad. And I'm on the maximum strength and dosage of my controller inhaler, but it doesn't seem to work much. That's terrible!

I think I tend not to take it seriously because for years now, I've had breathing problems once a year that kind of feel like asthma, but are really just from post-nasal drip (allergies/colds). In high school I got a lot of sinus infections that caused post-nasal drip. I haven't had a sinus infection in years, but I sometimes still get the drip. Looking back, I understand how my post-nasal drip breathing problems were different from asthma: I could breathe; it was just really uncomfortable and I coughed a lot.

But this... This is unmistakable asthma. Well, at the moment it's just chest pain. Why do I minimize my symptoms like this? "JUST chest pain"? I should probably go to the doctor to get a different, stronger relief inhaler and make sure I don't have a chest infection. This is no way to live and who knows: my asthma could get worse in this flare-up or my next flare-up could be very serious. I'm just convinced that my asthma symptoms won't be active at the doctor and I'll look like a fool. He'll give me the medicine anyway, based on the symptoms I'll describe and my history, but I hate going to the doctor unless he has proof of what I've explained. I feel like an idiot.

Also, I'm really sick of going to doctors. I've had so many appointments since I got sick with that terrible virus last June. Not only do I still have post-viral syndrome, but the Dandy Walker symptoms have worsened, my eye muscles were weak for a while (drunk vision) and I've had three asthma flare-ups since November, each more serious and lasting longer than the one before it. I usually have only one flare-up a year. Not to mention all of the weird non-specific symptoms that no one has been able to explain. I have every reason to believe that a visit to the doctor and tests won't give me any explanation for the increase in frequency, duration and severity of the flare-ups. Also, I sincerely doubt I'll get any information about when the asthma will settle.

I'm feeling a bit blue right now because I don't feel well and I'm so frustrated about it. Also, because of the G20 summit riots in Toronto and other reasons, only one person could come to my sister and I's birthday: the amazing friend my sister and I share. She's amazing. I had a great time with her. Still. I wanted a party! There are so many people I want to see, but don't because of illness. And I missed my birthday last year because I was really not doing well with what turned out to be a brief liver injury.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so bored and lonely, but I don't often have much energy to really have fun -- at least not for long it seems. Maybe I should have a tea party.

Baby, Baby, Baby, OH!

My asthma has been significantly better for the past couple of days, mind you tonight I feel it getting worse again. It was good while it lasted! We've had very sunny, warm weather in Toronto and I made the most of it by going for walks and hanging outside with my parents and dog. I've been smiling a lot and laughing even more -- even by myself. Not only am I easily amused because my health has improved, but because I need to make up for the laughter I had to suppress during the nasty asthma periods. If this was just a random couple of good days, I'm okay with that. I was happy just to have them especially because....

My sister came over for Father's Day tonight!!! I had only last seen her a few days ago, but it felt like longer. I really do miss having her around! We laughed about stupid things like imitating the young girls in the audience at the Much Music Video awards that aired live tonight. The Justin Bieber fans are especially adorable -- I say this imagining they are waaaay younger than I. In maturity, perhaps, but not in age. I'm 24; many of them looked older than 15. Bieber himself is turning 16 this year. Wow! A pop star 8 years younger than I am? I remember reading Seventeen magazine when I was 13 or 14, seeing pictures and quotes from 22 years olds, thinking they were ANCIENT! I wonder if I will ever get used to being whatever age I am. My juvenile appearance won't help.

I think time in general seems to get away from me. I had another reminder of that today when a pair of capris I've worn regularly since summer 2001 ripped -- kind of signaling it was time to stop wearing them. Why? Because they're not really mature, plus I should freshen up my summer wardrobe -- well, all of my wardrobe. I get so attached to my things. Once I find something comfortable and cute, I never seem to want to give it up. I have intimate apparel that is literally falling apart from age, but I still wear it. I don't like shopping for many things because i find it hard to find stuff in my size that I think looks good on me and doesn't make me look like a child. Also, I've had the same pair of running shoes for about seven years. Shameful, eh? They're probably horrible for my feet!

My mom wants to take me shopping on my birthday Thursday to buy a gift since I'm apparently so picky and unmaterialistic that she thinks it's a big risk to try to find something I'll like on her own. It probably is. When she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I stood blankly for about ten minutes, saying "Um" every once in a while.

Under the Sea

I would like to go for a walk now. The sun is bright and the flowers have bloomed. I also felt a lovely breeze when I was outside briefly this morning. I won't go for a walk because my asthma is still in a flare-up. It's not bad now, but activity worsens it.

I felt pretty good yesterday morning. I couldn't stop smiling after I left the house to go to see my ophthalmologist appointment check-up (no problems!) I was so happy to feel energetic and strong. I loved wearing my yellow trench coat. I felt so cute!

Then last night I went out for dinner with my sister and a friend. The walk to the restaurant and the laughter inside made me cough violently, so I opted not to go out to the bar with them because I felt so awful. I wanted to go to the bar. I really did. But I wanted my bed even more. I couldn't concentrate on the fun time anymore and I really didn't want to get worse. So I took a cab home, let my dog out, then went to bed.

I wasn't sad to go to bed -- more relieved, especially after taking my inhalers and settling my breathing, but I was disappointed that I had to make that call: no more fun, Ashley. Go home. Go to bed.

Today I'm feeling blue because it has hit me that I probably missed a great time last night. I hate that I so often have to make decisions based on my health, not on what I want to do. To cheer myself up, I think I will watch a Disney movie.

For some reason, I have never written about my life-long obsession with Disney in this blog. Seriously, I still watch Disney movies regularly. When I was a kid, I watched Disney cartoons like Duck Tales (which made me a MASSIVE Scrooge McDuck fan!) and Darkwing Duck. I have a Sebastian the Crab (from the Little Mermaid) beanie beside my computer. He makes me smile. I have a bunch of other Disney stuffed animals in my room tucked away. Oh! And my Grandpa made me some Disney character costumes for Halloweens when I was young, like Scrooge McDuck, Sebastian and Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast. How could I forget: when I was six, the Sunshine Foundation, which grants wishes to children with illnesses and disabilities, gave me a wish. Naturally I wished to go to Walt Disney World with my family. There I had a private meeting with Scrooge McDuck himself!

I've always been fascinated with how Disney animation is made. When I was a kid I wanted to be a cartoon voice actress and voice a Disney character in a movie. I still think it would be neat!

Anyway, as if you couldn't tell, I'm still a kid in a lot of ways. I'm also very nostalgic, which is partly why I started this blog. You see, I have a long history of feeling like garbage, having lots of medical appointments, provisions in school -- the list goes on. The illnesses I've suffered this past year have made me relive the trauma of it all. It just keeps going on and on -- pre-existing conditions overlapping, most likely because I'm still weak after that nasty virus I had last year.

Sometimes I feel like I write about it all too much here, that others will think I'm making it up or exaggerating. Or I will tell myself that I should just shut up and get over it. I also often wonder what compels me to write about it all so much and so often. The truth is, when I have trouble breathing, I can think of little else. It's exhausting and painful. When standing or walking make me feel fatigued, wobbly and achey, it's hard not to become sad. I love to walk. It's one of my very favourite things to do. It was hard to take a break from school, especially because I did so well. I definitely rushed going into post-grad. I wasn't well enough. I was just so excited to get a grown-up job at a not-for-profit organization as a communicator.

Most of it all, it's hard not knowing when things will get better, how long they will stay better and what will come up in the future. As cliche as it sounds, it really is best for me to take it one day at a time. The future is too overwhelming. I wonder how my health and disability issues will affect my work and social life. I'm also concerned I won't feel well during my birthday party next week...

Okay, I need to rant and update you! I hope that's okay...

Ah, I strained my neck again! It was really hurting me for days. I'm prone to this issue because of the fused discs in my neck and curvature in the shoulder area. It's doing much better, but I haven't been writing entries or comments much because it tends to aggravate this problem.

Second, my asthma has flared up again. Off and on for days now it has been hard to speak without taking a breath without coughing -- hell, it's sometimes hard to take a full breath without coughing. My chest hurts and I'm usually short of breath. It's exhausting. I was only just sick with this weeks ago in Maui. I'm so frustrated. I've been taking my controller and rescue inhalers regularly, but they haven't helped as much as I'd like. It's more discomfort now. I've had asthma for 21 years. I don't think I could ever get used to flare-ups, even though they don't come with full blown attacks, thank goodness.

Third, the fatigue and balance problems have really hit me. I went for a check-up today and found I couldn't really even walk straight or quickly and I kept stumbling. Even in my house, I can't seem to stand without tipping or without my feet rising from the floor. I will definitely arrange an appointment for physiotherapy next week. This is ridiculous. I just hope it helps, given that it's a brain problem not a leg problem.

Also, my feet have been swelling again , I'm having the jabbing abdominal pains regularly and I have a fungal infection in my mouth from my asthma controller inhaler.

Despite all of this, I've been really happy for the most part. I think a lot of it is my puppy Pounce. Plus, I'm excited about my birthday party coming in a couple of weeks. Yay! I'll be 24. It's strange. I feel old physically, but young mentally. I think I look very young too.

That reminds me. That check-up I mentioned earlier in this post was an annual appointment with my cardiologist, who in an earlier entry I had mentioned I was a bit nervous to see. Well, he was a sweetheart, listening nicely as I told him about my virus last year and the post-viral syndrome/Dandy Walker Syndrome. He asked me about school and what I was doing with my time since I deferred that second semester. Aw! I find my doctors are all interested in me as a person, not just my health. I like that. Health encompasses more than your physical being after all!

Well, my results for the 48-hour heart monitor were brilliant of course, but I must confess that I was a bit disappointed because this means I shouldn't have any further treatment, even though I still get episodes. These episodes aren't significant enough to warrant further treatment, which could do more harm than good. My cardiologist is concerned I'm over medicated, so he told me to stop taking my Digoxin. I'm a bit nervous about what the effect of this will be, as, like I said, I still get episodes, and I wasn't doing terribly well before he put me on the Digoxin. Still, I'm on a lot of heart drugs for such a tiny person (5'2, 94 lbs.) who has a really strong heart. I agree with his decision. Who knows. Maybe the Digoxin is contributing to some of my symptoms like the nausea.

It bothers me that I pretty much have to live with these episodes. They are short and don't even seem to come every day, but when they happen, I feel AWFUL: tired, weak and nauseous. Sometimes even a bit light headed. The way I look at it is, with most health problems, treatment doesn't completely get rid of the problem, it just minimizes it to a safe level.

The frustration about my heart caps my frustration with everything else. Also, yesterday marked one year since my wisdom teeth extraction, which preceded the virus that started the post-viral syndrome/Dandy Walker Syndrome I am STILL sick with! A whole year! I keep wondering when it will get better, but I no longer have the delusion that I will be the picture of health when that happens.

After all, my neck problem, asthma, heart Dandy Walker -- these are pre-existing conditions that troubled me before I got sick just as much as they do now. I'd like to think the Dandy Walker symptoms have just worsened because of this illness, but I know my symptoms worsened months before I got sick. Dandy Walker symptoms can worsen (or even appear) in adulthood. So this could be permanent. Ah! I hope it will at least become less of a problem through patches in the rest of my life, just as it improved in late-elementary school and stayed good well into university.

Whatever happens, I'm happy I don't have anything life threatening. Maybe that's what makes me happy. I know it could be worse! The worsening of my Dandy Walker symptoms could have been caused by a shunt malfunction; if my heart was fast all of the time, not only would I feel worse, but I might have needed surgery to correct it, since I had outrun medication options; if I had full blown asthma attacks, I may have needed to go to the emergency room.

I think people who've grown up with illnesses often have this optimism. Like this elderly woman I met today at the doctor's office after my examination and discussion with the cardiologist. We were both waiting to have our echocardiograms (heart ultrasounds). She said she was sorry I had heart problems at such a young age, but I assured her it was a relatively mild problem and was well controlled with medication. I never want anyone to think I'm in danger. I remember before I was diagnosed with this minor heart issue, I thought any kind of heart problem was ridiculously serious. Then when I was diagnosed, I realized that there were probably other people living as actively and fully as I was with strong hearts like mine. The heart is an amazing organ!

The woman told me I was a good person and told me about how sickly she was as a child, getting mumps and diptheria -- a whole bunch of stuff that's mostly prevented with vaccines now. She said she just lives one day at a time and does what she can. She walks everywhere. I hope I'm like her when I'm older! I was sad to see her go. She was such a nice, inspiring woman.

A Mess of Music and Treats

A truck is driving around my neighborhood playing about seven notes of a song on a loop. I'm assuming the driver of this truck will dispense ice cream, that is if this incessant tune actually brings him business. I have seen children run to a truck like it, but I imagine they run over to it to get fudgcicles and then jab them into the driver's eyes. Then his sound system. Then I imagine the children raid his ice cream stash waving flags. An ice cream truck resistance. If ice cream is even worth a resistance.

I've seldom gotten excited about ice cream. What's so good about it? I expect to get comments asking me if I'm crazy -- and don't get me wrong: I am -- but the mess of ice cream and its tendency to freeze my brain and teeth don't compensate for the taste, which if you ask me isn't that wonderful no matter what the flavour. I suppose I have a bit of a grudge against ice cream and popsicles -- any frozen treat. I usually get it all over my face without my knowledge. Then I have to endure friends' or family members' laughter and pointing.

I'm a messy eater generally, but for some reason it's really only the ice cream mess that I hate. There are wonderful foods and treats whose tastes make the mess worth it. Like cake!

Ah, the ice cream truck has long gone now. At least I assume it has since that infernal devil tune has ceased. I don't imagine the driver  has stopped playing the music. Unless the resistance really happened. This is the effect of this ice cream truck! I'm still annoyed with it even though it has gone! I've decided to get my mom to drive me around the neighborhood when the ice cream truck comes back. We will blast Spice Girls' "Wannabe" to drown him out. That'll show him!

Now, I know my readers are smart, so you have no doubt predicted that the combination of "Wannabe" blaring over the ice cream truck song will be a bigger, more annoying racket than the one I originally complained about. Heck, "Wannabe" alone playing around the neighborhood at a lower volume would be annoying. BUT perhaps it would drive the ice cream truck out of the neighborhood for good! He will not dare again to expose himself to the wrath of Ashley and her Anti-Ice Cream Truck Movement! A noble cause, no?

If you believe ice cream and ice cream truck music have redeeming qualities, please try to convince me if you like! Otherwise I will petition for ice cream trucks to sell cake instead. What music, if any, should my cake truck play?

Ah, the Fragmentary Nature of Thought

A couple of days ago, a groomer emasculated my dog. Poor Pounce didn't ask for it. Neither did my Mom when she took him. Wait! Maybe she did ask him... Then maybe she lied to me afterward and said she didn't. Hah I doubt it! This is the second time he has had a hair cut and the second time he has come out of it looking like a female dog. He has short, fuzzy hair on this body, but long, fluffy hair on his head and ears. He looks like a moldy, caramel coloured marshmallow.

This time my mom took him to the vet for a cut, probably because it was less expensive. Do groomers in general like to do this to little dogs? Or do groomers tend to just find this look attractive? Poor Pounce apparently cried when he had it done. Everyone at the vet office is sadistic! First they remove some of his man parts. Now this! Maybe I should get certified to be a vet and animal groomer, so that I will be able to take care of Pouncey myself!

Unfortunately, Pounce will likely be dead by the time I get my licenses. Darn! I guess I'll have to trust the vets... So this is what it's like to be a paranoid parent... Well, more like a selfish parent. He's asleep now, but I really want to wake him up to play and cuddle. Restrain yourself, Ashley. RESTRAIN!

Ah, why did I even think about Pounce dying. Seriously, even though that probably won't happen for years, it still hurts me to imagine it. I'm sure all you animal lovers can relate. I got sad whenever one of my hamsters or gerbils died. Animals very quickly become part of the family. It feels like we've always had Pounce. For years I wanted a dog and now I have one!

My parents took the dog to my Grandparents' house a couple of hours away. They stayed over night. I didn't go because I wasn't -- and still am not -- feeling well. Leg fatigue and pain. Anyway, I was happy to have the house to myself. I watched home movies, listened to music, chatted online. Once a year when I look after the Great Danes for a week, I'm the only human there, but they Danes my protectors. They're like people.

But I missed Pounce! And my Mom and Dad! This was the first time I've ever had a home to myself overnight. Yes, I'm 24 and this is the first time. I've never been terribly independent. I hadn't taken the public transit system alone until I was 18 and off to university every day.

I don't think I'd ever seen one of my specialists alone until last year. My mom always wanted to be there -- I think sometimes she still does. She has told me that I tend to downplay my symptoms to the doctor and sometimes I forget what the doctor has said to me, so I can't relay it to her. I think she likes to be there to make sure the doctor knows what my symptoms are and that they make me suffer. I just know my doctors have seen much worse than me. I don't feel that I'm worth much of their time. I don't want to appear dramatic.What if the doctor thinks I'm a hypochondriac? A ridiculous notion, probably, based on my medical history, diagnoses and the fact that no doctor has treated me like that before. My symptoms are as real to them as they are to me. It just feels surreal, telling doctors everything. Wondering what they can do for me. Wondering when they think I'll start feeling better.

I also tend not to explain my symptoms in detail to my friends, in person or on the phone. I get nervous when they ask. I don't really know why. I can't figure that out. I can write about it easily, but in person I don't like to talk about what I've written in this blog or in essays I wrote in university about health. I want people to know when I'm having a hard time and why, but I often don't want to talk about it -- in detail, anyway.

Perhaps, it's because I feel vulnerable about my issues. I don't want anyone to think I'm less capable of doing things, or that I'm delicate. I have always disliked being treated that way. I also dislike the reaction -- even the sympathy -- when people talk to me about it. I mean, I'm glad they feel for me, but I don't know how to handle sympathy or admiration for how I've handled it. What do I say or do?

Sometimes I feel I need Mom at the doctor because I tend to have trouble articulating everything and understanding and remembering what the doctors say. It's part of my Auditory Processing Disorder, which is caused by my neurological condition. It felt so strange to see my neurosurgeon without my mom last month. I'm hoping she'll be okay with me going to see my cardiologist alone this week. I get nervous before seeing the doctor and I find her presence is a major factor in that. I don't like the questions she asks about what I should be doing or what I should look out for. I don't like her being close when I'm examined or when I'm answering the doctor's questions or describing my symptoms.

Wow. Tangent! Anyway, it felt so odd to go to bed alone last night, to be in a quiet, dark house alone. I liked it, but it felt kind of lonely. Do I really want to live my life as a spinster? During my taste of independence last night, I missed my parents and Pounce. Then today when they came home, I went to the usual routine of staying in separate rooms from them mostly, because I wanted the privacy. I was just happy to know they were home, to hear Dad's television playing downstairs, to hear Mom talking to the dog.

It isn't just the comfort of security that I like; I find that I simply enjoy physically being with people. I'm the same with friends! I often don't say very much. I just like to listen to them talk and laugh or sit in silence. I think this comfort when being quiet is a testament to my true friendships and love for my family. I don't mind that I'm often not very chatty. I don't need to talk to feel comfortable or to enjoy myself.

Hosting social engagements does make me uncomfortable because I'm self conscious of my social skills. Also, it's hard to make sure I'm spending enough time with everyone. So many people I like and love! Even inviting people on Facebook was hard for me because I wondered if half the people I invited, mainly friends or acquaintances from university and college I want to get know better, would even want to come! I still wonder who will come. And what if I'm not feeling well during the party? It seems likely given that I've had more downs than upsin the past month. Also, the activity from a party won't help. I'm even less chatty when I don't feel well and I'll probably look sad and tired.

I promise I intended this to be a silly post. It's strange that our emotions can change so quickly. It's best to acknowledge such change, if you ask me.

Thanks for the Laughs

It's strange. I was still lying in bed no more than half an hour ago thinking about funny things to cheer me up. You see, it's nearing the one year mark of my virus/post-viral syndrome and I'm feeling blue that I'm still sick with this, on top of my other problems.

"Met a man? It sounds like you swallowed one," said Blanche Devereaux to Dorothy Zbornak in The Golden Girls. I just thought of this quote in bed and it made me laugh. Golden Girls always does. I watch it almost every day when it airs back-to-back. Even if I've seen the episodes a bunch of times. The show definitely keeps me busy on sick days. I watched countless episodes when I was in Hawaii, sick with asthma and the other stuff.

I was sad and shocked to read on Yahoo that Rue McClanahan, who played the over-sexed, optimistic Blanche, has died after a massive stroke. She was 76.

Blanche, Rose, Dorothy and Sophia all make me laugh a lot. Sometimes I imagine that I'm one of their daughters or a young friend on the show. I crave the friendship the four of them shared and admire them for their active social and romantic lives. Activity at any age fascinates me, probably because I can be such an anti-social homebody and I'm never attracted to men or interested in sex. So why do I love Blanche so much, even though I can't identify with her?

I think it's her charm, confidence and wit.

I just read an article about Rue's death that says, "In the morning, when you’re too tired or sick to get out of bed, and at night, when you need a good laugh to clear your mind before you drift off to sleep..." That's exactly what I was doing. It wouldn't surprise me if other people do it too.

Today's Lesson Is....

If you want to create a light-hearted Facebook group with the word "boobs" in the title, prepare for the following people to join your group:

a) girls who will post pictures of themselves wearing low-cut shirts or dresses or ... less
b) boys who will request to see or hold boobs
c) boys who will claim to have boobs
d) girls who will complain about the largeness of their boobs
e) girls and boys who will joke that their large boobs have injured them in a variety of hilarious ways

If you didn't figure it out already, I am offering this advice based on what I have experienced. About three years ago, I created a Facebook group called "I Hold My Boobs When I Run Down the Stairs," meaning nothing sexual at all. I just did it and I figured other women did too. I returned to the group every now and then for probably a few months to see how many members joined and see what they posted on the wall. It was cute and fun. Harmless, non-sexual fun, as I had anticipated. Then I forgot about the group for two years.

Yesterday, I remembered that I had created this group and wondered how many members it had and who had joined. Well! There were 21, 000 members and it kind of turned into a softcore porn website. Very sexual indeed! How could I have been so naive! I laughed, but kind of panicked that the site would make me look bad, as it was public that I was the "Creator/Admin" of the group. So I deleted my status as "Creator/Admin" because I didn't think it would be possible for me to sift through all of the posts and delete the inappropriate stuff. Then I also deleted myself as a member of the group.

Tonight I read through all of the Wall posts -- there really weren't many. It only took about five minutes to look at everything. Nooooo! If I'd known there was so little to moderate, I would have kept my position as "Creator/Admin" and simply moderated the posts. It was a fun group. I still like the idea: it's definitely my humour. It would have been fun to generate some innocent discussion... And delete the trolling men -- boys -- from the group. 21, 000 is a lot of people. I'm proud my little group reached so many people. I could have shared more of my humour and creativity with those 21, 000 people. Such wonderful exposure! But I threw it away because I'm Little Miss Censorship apparently. Also, I felt the images weren't meant for my eyes, being an innocent virgin and all. Also, I felt that by leading this group, I may have implied that I have large breasts. I don't want to deceive anyone or draw requests to see my breasts. I didn't have any such request in three years, but I imagine it would have confused me, since I forgot about the group.

"Why do strangers keep asking to be my friend on Facebook? Why do people keep asking me about my chest?"

I wrote a report to Facebook, briefly explaining the situation and asking if I could be reinstated as "Creator/Admin," so we'll see what happens. I don't see why not. Facebook keeps records of everything, so I'm sure they have some record of me previously holding that position.

Or maybe I should just give up and create a new group to expose my creativity and humour! But wait...

I have other plans, though. When I get a job and a place of my own, I will buy a camera and a Mac Book, so I can make videos using iMovie. I will do puppet shows, cartoons -- maybe even monologues! Then I will put open a youtube account, make myself a channel and post everything I produce on it. This way I can perform and entertain without having to leave my house or be accountable to anyone. I won't have to perform if I'm not feeling well. It's perfect! That's really what I want... An Audience.