“Stick to your Dreams”: Big Changes in the Career of Actor Robert Nolan

I interviewed a Toronto actor for this piece. Robert is very talented and very nice. It was a pleasure to talk to him. Enjoy.

Who doesn’t love the internet? Youtube and other sites can make anyone popular. It happened to Felicia Day, star of popular online musical “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog” and web series “The Guild.” Up-and-coming actor Robert Nolan will perform in “RED: Werewolf Hunters,” a movie of the week on the SyFy channel starring Day.

“I get to have a scene with her,” he says, excitedly. Nolan's character originally died in the script, but now he gets to run into Felicia Day’s character, who points a gun at him. He also has two lines and a scream.

The film will be great for Nolan’s career. He explains that fans of Felicia Day, whose character is based on “Little Red Riding Hood” in a war between humans and werewolves, will watch the movie. Since he has a scene with her, fans will get to see him too.

“Acting is a relationship business,” he says.

This will be Nolan’s first performance in a science fiction film, a genre he loves. His eclectic career includes roles in the theatre as Norman Bethune in “Bethune,” and in a film for Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) as a father whose daughter has been killed by a drunk driver. He has performed in various television series and has also played Hitler in a comedy.

Nolan explains that acting for film is different than acting for theatre. He sees them as two different art forms. Because it isn’t up close like film, theatre acting requires volume and a clear voice. Ironically, Nolan says this softly. He’s a bit shy and doesn’t boast about his career.

“With theatre, you can’t make mistakes.” He notes, adding that he enjoys the challenge and wants to do more of it.

“RED” doesn’t only interest him on a performance level. It will allow him to become part of the actors union, ACTRA – which means higher pay, but will also mean he won’t be allowed to do independent films. It’s a bittersweet career transition for Nolan, who has worked on many independent projects.

“I used to say, ‘sure!’” Nolan recalls, about the many projects students from film programs asked him to perform in. He has since learned to be selective. “It’s hard to say no,” he says,but if the script is not good enough, he won’t do it.

This high standard of work takes priority over the prospect of getting his own following, like Felicia Day has. Nolan wants to make sure that he will also become known for “good work.” The story and role motivate him in all of his roles. In “RED,” the challenge of his action performance excites him that much more. Despite his consciousness of Day’s fame, he won’t be starstruck.

“She’s creative. She doesn’t need an ego.” Nolan has met Day and is confident her easygoing personality and professionalism will make her a pleasure to work with.

To learn more about Robert Nolan's work, check out his website. You can catch Felicia Day’s performances at her website. “RED: Werewolf Hunters” will air on the SyFy channel on October 30 at 9 pm/8pm central and later that night at 1 am.

Buck Up; Have Fun

It's Saturday night and I'm going to sit here and write a blog entry. (Obviously.) About a couple of years ago I would have been a bit uncomfortable sharing this information, just like I wondered what people might think of me if they saw me on Facebook on Saturday night, or saw that I had posted something on Facebook on a Saturday night. Actually, even here I've been pretty proud to write about outings with friends, like I'm glad to have proof to show that I went out and had a great time. Now, of course I know my readers like me and think I'm likable. Why else would they continue to visit and comment? Still, I often have this urge to prove, not just to my readers, but to my friends, family and neighbors, that I have other friends and that I go out and have fun.

A couple of years ago I went with my parents' to my neighbor's Halloween party and I felt embarrassed. I wondered if my neighbors thought I had nowhere else to go. Why was I hanging out with older people on an occasion that is also often celebrated by young adults? Didn't I have my own friends to go out with?

I think part of this insecurity, this desire to fit in, comes from my being a twin. I felt better about staying home tonight because my sister did too. Her staying home made it okay. Cool, even. I admire her social skills and her ability to make friends wherever she goes. Don't get me wrong, I do too. I love parties when I get to go meet new people. I usually start and carry the conversation, especially when I sense the people feel nervous about talking to someone new. But there's something about my sister. I love to see her with people. I love to see people gravitate to her. She has this magnetic personality and she's so cool and pretty and very funny and goofy in a cool way. Plus, she seems to really find people who she clicks with. People seem to admire her.

I think I'm thinking about all this because August is about to end. This is Back to School season! The beginning of another university year meant new classes with some different students. Seeing familiar faces in my Health and Society program classes reminded me of how disappointed I was that I didn't particularly care for any of them. Seriously. It made me wonder why I didn't like them. Why no real friendships flourished with those Health and Society regulars. I found some of them immature. Some standoffish -- rude even. But for the most part I just didn't connect with them. Why? I would be interested in them in the beginning, but became less and less interested as time went on, usually after my perky "Hellos!" and efforts to start conversation didn't go very far.

A big part was my distaste for having to take complete ownership of my relationships. Why didn't other people say hello to me? Why didn't they try harder to participate in conversations with me? I used to blame it on their apparent nervousness, either with meeting new people or with the coursework, or whatever. But then I would see them connect with other people. It stung a bit, I must say. I would take it personally. I'd try not to because, like I said, sometimes I, like any one else, just don't click with people. And it takes me a while to fully connect with someone anyway. That's no smudge on my character at all, I know.

But here I am on a Saturday night when I actually had plans. A friend of mine from university (The Professional Writing program where I found quite a few people I really liked) is moving to England for at least a year. This was her going away night. I canceled on her because I was sick. I felt bad about it, but of course she understood. I missed another opportunity to cement a bond. It does bother me. This isn't really my ideal situation of course, as much as I am a homebody. This is one of many, many plans I've canceled for more than a year because I haven't felt well. Many of these excuses just don't seem valid to me, as awful as they make me feel. Like today, my throat's been sore and irritated for a few days because of post nasal drip. It has given me quite a bit heartburn too.

I started getting post nasal drip in high school, during which time I had many sinus infections or at least pressure, pain and congestion. They stopped after high school, probably because that's when I started my allergy shots and I was no longer exposed to the dust and mold (both of which I'm pretty allergic to) in the school. But for some reason I still get the post nasal drip. You should hear this husky voice I get. I like it! Haha.

I have other allergy symptoms too, many of which I have every day. Holy cow, my eyes will sting badly. Holy cow, it hurts. I usually run to get a tissue and I put it into my tear ducts and hold it there or rub them gently until the pain subsides. This happens at least once a day. My left ear is often plugged, not to mention the throat issues.

I've never written about this stuff here. It just seemed insignificant. Whiny. Who writes blog entries about allergies? I feel so ashamed at times, using allergies as an excuse for not doing things. It just angers me that I have to deal with allergies on top of everything else. It's like I can't get a break and I get so frustrated. I still take allergy shots, but I can only tolerate the lowest dilution of serum and basically the lowest dose of it. It just feels so pointless: the shots haven't made me immune to the allergens; I'm still often symptomatic.

I've been minimizing my experiences with allergies for years. When I was young I used to break out into hives regularly. Big, red, raised welts over much of my body. They were horrible. The hives made my skin very itchy and hot. Lots of things set them off actually. Allergies, stress, heat, cold. But I had this "Buck up" mentality. I remember I would break out into hives at the babysitter's at lunch time, or maybe I would have come from school that way. She'd give me Atarax, a powerful prescription drug for hives and cream too if I needed it. Then I'd go off to school still feeling the hives, or at least the drowsiness from the Atarax. Quite often I would have Claritin. That helped for sure, but not often enough. It was an ideal med, though, because it is non-drowsy.

There were other times, like at my friend's house. She had two guinea pigs I was really allergic to. My eyes would be all red and puffy; I'd have hives; my nose would be stuffed up and I would be wheezing with asthma. I'd stay at my friend's house, just have my mom come over with a bunch of medicines to make me feel at least a bit better. I had this unwavering desire to push through. Even though I felt terrible, I wanted to keep hanging out with my friend.

Oh, the hives stopped eventually, probably at least two years before I finished elementary school. But then when I was sixteen the hives started again at school one day. I laughed as I told my mom about it. I was regressing into childhood again! She took me out of school to see the doctor who told me I was having a classic allergic reaction to an antibiotic, Ceclor, another doctor had prescribed for bronchitis. Even the bronchitis I plowed through in the beginning. One day in English class a classmate said he could tell I was having trouble breathing and offered me a seat. Why was I in school?! Silly Ashley.

Anyway, after I got some drugs for the hives, I went to work at the Halloween Dance. I was a member of the student council, you see, my duties included coat check and collecting money for soft drinks. I didn't have to go, there were plenty of people there to cover for me, I was assured. Still. I wanted to do my part and I wanted to dress up and have fun! That was hard, though. I was miserable.

Not long after that the hives became very intense. Like blood red cobble stones over my entire body that were insanely itchy and unbearable, and my asthma was really acting up, so my mom took me to the Emergency Room, one of at least two visits. I was sick for months with that allergic reaction. I think it's called Serum Sickness. I can't remember exactly. The hives made my skin hurt. It was so tender that I used to wear my mom's silk kimono around the house because that loose, slippery material chafed less and so caused less pain. I remember waiting for the doctor once, suffering so much I was trembling and rocking back and forth.

Well, there. I've gotten that off my chest. I finally vented about my allergies! Even as I write this, I'm squinting my right eye because it stings and itches so much. Okay, I admit. I just rubbed it. Don't tell anyone! I feel somewhat better about staying home because allergies weren't my only reason. My legs have felt pretty weak today. Stairs are a bit of a job and I didn't want to have to endure a bunch of them in the subway stations. I also had a bit of a fever and generally felt pretty terrible. I felt mostly better after my three hour nap, but I still had to eat and have a shower, so it was kind of late to go out.

I didn't mind. I had a lot of laughs with my family. My mom and sister were sitting on either side of me, both hitting me with green beans. Ah, a typical dinner at the Ashbee household. We also had filet mignon with roasted potatoes and carrots. Delicious! See, I had fun after all! I might even have popcorn shortly.

Adult Dog

Today my mom was still out running errands when I needed to have a bath and then go to physio, so I took Pounce upstairs to the bathroom with me, then shut the door. I didn't think my mom wanted Pounce to be downstairs without supervision. I wasn't totally comfortable with the idea either. Then I realized I'd forgotten my shampoo, towel and toothbrush from my washroom. Yes, I have my very own. It's private and can only be accessed through my bedroom. Please don't think my house is big.

Anyway, I figured Pounce would try to run away when I opened the door to go get my things, but when I firmly said, "Stay," he didn't budge! I shut the door behind me. He cried for a couple of seconds. It was hard to come back and see his black nose poking under the door. I opened the door and he didn't try to get out! Good boy! I shut the door then I ran the water and brushed my teeth. He lied down. I guess he's gotten over his anxiety about closed doors. I got into the tub saying "Good boy!" He was pretty good, despite trying to chew the paint off the floor a few times.

I'd been feeling sick and it had gotten worse, so I got out of the tub and cancelled my physio appointment. Like I was going to do cardio while I was nauseous, dazed and a bit weak! Pounce rushed out before me, so I put him in his crate. I figured he'd be more comfortable there and I wouldn't have to watch him. Then I called Mom to tell her I'd cancelled, in case she wondered why I was still in the tub when she got home. I told her I crated Pounce and she said to just let him hang out downstairs alone.

It did seem appropriate to let him do that. Because he had just been so well behaved, I was comfortable with it. I guess it was just instinct for me to keep him in the bathroom and crate him. I walked upstairs realizing he has grown up. He's over a year old now. This is why I've referred to him as a dog in this entry, not a puppy.

My mom arrived home while I was washing. After my bath, I barely dried all of myself off and just went straight to bed. Mom came in and asked me why I didn't tell her earlier that I wasn't feeling well, so she could come home and look after the dog. Aw! I assured her that wasn't necessary. Pounce is a dog now. He's hardly a hassle! Besides, I wasn't that sick. And I'm tough. I can function pretty well when I don't feel well.

She brought me the glass of water I requested. I lied there thinking about how lucky I was to have the luxury -- and it really is a luxury -- to be able to go to bed whenever I need to and not worry about anything and to have a great mom who takes care of me. I thought about how much I love Pounce. I usually can't look at him without smiling and feeling very happy. He's also a great comfort to me.

I napped for about three hours. Then my mom came to ask me if I wanted something. She came back with a glass of ginger ale and strawberries and a doughnut she had bought me while she was out. Pounce followed her in. Then she put him on my bed and came and lied beside my chest. Aw! I pet him and remembered how much I had wanted an animal to cuddle last June, the beginning of my illness, when I was feeling insane nausea and I kept projectile vomiting. Pounce didn't stay for long because he wanted to be with my mom, but it was so nice while it lasted. Then I ate my donut and some strawberries. I particularly enjoyed them because they made me even more grateful I wasn't nauseous anymore.

I've been feeling good for a few hours now. Phew! I kept thinking these past few days that I've been doing exceptionally well. That may be true, at least on my terms, but I was feeling sick for at least part of the day, for most days this week. I think I'm just used to this being a part of my life and I'm so glad that I can be happy, not despite it, but because I've accepted it. Whatever happens happens. I can live well no matter how I'm feeling.

Physiotherapy

Today I had my first physiotherapy session! At my consultation Friday, my physiotherapist (PT) Vince had me walk and stand for him. I was amazed by how much he learned about me just by watching this! He said I stand with my back back and my shoulders kind of slouched. He also said my gait is stiff. I felt so validated! That ignorant, rude neurologist who said my balance was fine because I could do the heel-to-toe walk was wrong! Vince noticed! He said this is how I compensate for the balance problems.

I feel so angry at that neurologist, first because the heel-to-toe test is a very basic test that doesn't really reveal my problems, second, because according to Vince, my heel-to-toe test does reveals problems. My simply being able to do the test isn't good enough! I told Vince about this neurologist and he gave me a look like, "That doesn't make any sense!" I told him the experience was demoralizing (and also demeaning!). I didn't remember to tell him that the neurologist said that if I saw a PT, the PT would say "Why are you here?" You know... Because I could do the heel-to-toe walk and was therefore fine. That neurologist knew virtually nothing about Dandy Walker Syndrome, by the way. For almost every question I had, he said "I don't know." Well, then look it up, damn it! Call a colleague! Yeesh.

I had described my balance problems in the beginning when he asked me what my problems were. He also asked me about what medications I take, activities I perform and what other health issues I have. I liked seeing him nod his head and ask his subsequent questions. It's fascinating to watch someone try to figure something out! I told him my shoulder slouching is likely at least partly due to the curvature of my spine. It's basically a slight hunch. Also, I told him my neurologist had suggested my stiff neck is contributing to my balance problems and that my nursing-student friend suggested my heart medication can cause fatigue in the legs. He nodded his head again, seeming to agree that the information I offered was at least possible. I felt so smart! I think as patients it's important to put pieces of information together and to be as open with medical professionals as we can.

I'm also glad, in a way, that my issues are actually visible. I mean, I knew they were at least some of the time. A good friend of mine noted a few years ago that I "walk funny" and he demonstrated the same gait Vince described, only exaggeratedly. Over two years ago I opted out of a job during a job interview for a position as an usher at a theatre because I found out the job would require me to stand a lot. I told the interviewer that I couldn't stand for very long. There were also times in university, before I got sick, that I noticed I was unsteady and slow going down the stairs at times. A new friend of mine noted this at the subway station once. "You have trouble on the stairs too! Damn, girl!"

So my disability has always been with me. As I illustrated just now, it seems to have become more of an issue in the past couple of years. That can happen with Dandy Walker Syndrome. I've read that the symptoms can get worse during adulthood. My neurosurgeon told me that weakness can definitely aggravate the symptoms, so it makes sense that I've been having greater issues during my post-viral syndrome. Not only that, but I've been mostly sedentary. Surely that doesn't help. Some of my muscles are weak at least in part because I haven't really been using them. That's going to change!

Vince had me do a bunch of exercises today to further evaluate which muscle areas I need to work on. He told me to do that home, two sets for each exercise, for ten times, three times a day, but I can modify it if I need to focus on improving a particular exercise. I'm so revved up. I know it will take time, but I'm excited to see how things improve.

I'm trying to be optimistic, but this weekend wasn't exactly reassuring. I felt pretty wobbly at times, nearly falling twice and many times losing my balance. I was also a bit fatigued, tired and just generally not feeling well. I'm not feeling great now actually. I walked properly on my way home, like he showed me, and it became painful and fatiguing. When I got home I felt shaky -- and sore of course! That's what happens when you get into shape. I still feel shaky and sore. My heart's been racing all day. I'm just not feeling good and perhaps it wasn't great to have PT when I'm feeling this way, but you know, if I only scheduled sessions for when I felt well, I wouldn't have them frequently enough for them to help me.

I think I will tell Vince how I'm feeling. He did find several areas of muscle weakness, grimacing, saying, "That's not good." Maybe my body's just not used to this. And he did schedule an appointment for tomorrow -- that's two consecutive days of physiotherapy. So he knows there are problems, but nothing I can't improve. I also had a bunch of strong areas, not that I'm surprised. I'm just a bit irritated that he says he doesn't think I'm fatiguing. He said this after having me do certain movements, even though I told him I generally only get fatigued after I endure activity for longer periods.

I didn't tell him I want a cane for long distances and wobbly periods, especially if I'm outside on ground that isn't level and there's nothing for me to hold onto. I have a feeling he would advise against it. I'm thinking maybe using a cane would prevent me from exercising muscles I need to work on. Still, I'm so sick of frequently having to right myself when I tip over. It's tiring. It's also a safety issue, I think. One day I may not catch myself. I'm not too convinced that strengthening my muscles is going to stop this, as it is a neurological issue after all.

Hot Cars

Ugh, please stop leaving your kids in hot cars. If I hear yet another story about this I might burst.

It seems most of the time this isn't a malicious act. For some reason it just doesn't occur to people that cars get extremely hot when the windows are closed and there's no air conditioning on. Isn't this common sense? I think one major problem is that many people don't realize how quickly a car can reach dangerous temperatures, nor do they realize how vulnerable small children are. Then there are the parents who simply forget their children are in the car, for whatever reason. Even more unfortunate are the cases of parents deliberately leaving their kids in cars for long periods while they go off and do other things, again, not realizing the dangers of the heat.

There was a case recently of a Toronto family who was visiting their relatives in Texas. It was incorrectly reported the parents had been preoccupied with their seven year old because he was having a seizure, and so forgot their two year old was in the car. Actually, the seven year old actually had autism and his parents brought him into the house to feed him because he was on a strict schedule.

I haven't read any reports that explain why neither the parents nor the four other family members who had also been in the car thought to bring the two year old into the house, leave a window open for him or come back for him? And none of these six people clued in that he was missing until TWO HOURS later! How can anyone, and so many people, be that distracted, especially when the only rush is to feed another child who isn't even having a medical emergency? Not one of those six people thought to nor had the time to take the two year old inside? And not one of them remembered he was in the car? It doesn't make sense. Don't forget we're talking about Texas heat. I keep thinking about how much that child must have suffered.

I understand that life can get chaotic. These parents obviously had a lot on their plate, but I just don't understand the excuses the media have given them. We should be sympathetic, of course. These parents lost their child and probably already feel horribly guilty. Still, that doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about this. I'm sorry, but this is a case of negligence, like so many others I've heard lately.

It's important to ask questions about what we read, hear or see on the news. Many kids are left in hot cars accidentally. I'm sure many parents have their reasons for it, like tending to another child, but why has that story garnered media sympathy and most of the other incidents have not? I'm angry the parents of the deceased two year old will not be charged.

Like Standing Drunk Inside a Moving Subway

Okay folks, since yesterday was a more wobbly day, I'm going to try to describe my balance problems. Arrrgh I'm so frustrated and irritated! But I'm happy. Very happy.

Basically after any change in posture I tend to feel like I'm falling, or I won't even have to change my posture to feel that way. I often do start falling very quickly, but I always catch myself, either by quickly moving the foot to the side that's opposite of the direction I'm falling. Or I'll grab onto something if it's nearby. Today I did both. I found it amusing after I turned around to look something, then turned back and fell into my friend. I'm so glad she was there so I could grab onto her! We were walking on a trail loaded with wood chips, so you can imagine how likely contributed to my mishap. I was feeling wobbly and my legs felt fatigued, so it was wise that we sat down in the park for a while!

My balance also affects me when I'm standing still as I often can't seem to keep my feet flat on the ground. I tip over a bit. Then my feet rise off the ground, or floor even. It's bizarre.

I have found ways to compensate, though. A few years ago I noticed that I walk with my feet turned outward. I think a lot of that is just the way my legs are. When my knees are facing forward, my feet are facing outward. I think a lot of that is balance, though, as I can't walk stably with my feet facing forward. Hmmm. Also, when I'm standing I try to keep my feet apart to ground myself better. I also move my feet muscles around to try to grip onto the floor. Maybe my balance problems would be worse if I didn't know how to compensate for it. Compensation is empowering. It gives me the control the balance takes away.

It's so strange, though. I mean, if I'm tipping over so much and feeling unsteady, how is it that I can perform the heel-to-toe walk, a basic neurological test, so well? And how am I able to dance? I did both of these things today to see if I could. It doesn't make sense to me. Oh, the human body is so complicated! Again, endurance is my main issue, but like today, my balance issues can happen even when I've mostly been resting. Why am I sometimes completely steady, though? I don't get why this is so intermittent.

And the fatigue? Well, a number of times this week I have felt an intense need to sit down after standing or walking for short periods. It basically feels like my legs can no longer bear the weight of my body. And I get back pain and pressure that goes down my legs too. Stairs are often a drag, too. It feels like I'm carrying weights as I go up. I'm slow and unsteady. Sometimes, by the time I reach the top, my temperamental heart is rowdy. I suppose that could be contributing to the stairs issues too, but it's not severe enough or often enough to go on more medication. I guess I should make sure I haven't acquired new or worse spinal issues, but I'm pretty sure all or at least most of this is neurological. It's been seven years since I last had a scan of my spine. Or maybe my problems haven't worsened, but I'm just having more symptoms for some reason. I could speculate all day.

I'm so proud of myself for keeping active. I've been walking a lot, not afraid that it might make me feel tired or unwell. Sometimes that happens and sometimes I go for a walk or do something else even if I'm already feeling fatigued or wobbly or whatever. I'm still going to live my life! I LOVE to walk. It's one of my very favourite things to do either by myself or with a good friend.

Aside from the pleasures of the exercise, sights and music or conversation, I think walking is kind of my way of testing myself. I want to get a sense of when I will start to feel unwell or weak or whatever and what has provoked that. By walking, I hope to improve my endurance, but that hasn't seemed to work -- yet anyway. Don't get me wrong, I can stay on my feet for an hour or longer, but it's just strenuous and makes me feel sick. I just want to feel that there's something I can do to improve. I mean, I know I can't get rid of my issues, but maybe I can at least make them more manageable. It's unnerving, often feeling like I'm going to fall, having to concentrate on things like standing and walking that I shouldn't even have to think about.

Motivations for Writing: A Retrospective

My last post was heavy in plot. Sometimes I wonder if my entries with plots are more engaging than those without or with little. I wonder about my posts with heavy descriptions too. Are they more pleasant to read? It's such a tricky endeavor, trying to please my current audience and attract a new one at the same time.

This reminds me that I am also the audience. When I try to figure out if I have written my posts well and engagingly, I am really asking myself if I would like to read this. I wonder more if I would enjoy the prose than the content. I think everyone lives a life worth writing about, although less introspective and observant people will likely have more trouble getting the words out, at least in a way that will accurately convey what they are trying to say.

Lately I've been wondering about what compels me to write what I write in here. A lot of it, especially when I am feeling awful and describing that experience, I write because I want a reaction. I get that through comments. It's support. I get that in my personal life from my loving family and friends, but I simply can't express my feelings and ideas as well through speaking as I can through writing. I need to have words in front of me. It helps me organize my thoughts and remember what I said seconds earlier. Also, writing helps me think. Whether it's an essay for school, a letter to a friend or a post in here, I seldom know what I'm trying to say when I start writing. Then everything comes to me when I start typing or handwriting.

I think it's partly the physical act of writing. A thought comes into my head. Then I think it again as I type. That repetition of thought keeps me from forgetting what it is. I'm just thinking of whatever words I'm currently typing. One thought -- one sentence -- at a time. This allows for a focus and concentration that I can't get with thinking alone. Writing makes thinking more manageable. Also, I tend to think too much. Part of my introspective nature, I suppose. Writing helps me put that thought away so I can focus on other things.

But back to my reasons for writing here. I've had a bunch of illnesses and disability issues in my 24 years. Why did I decide to start writing about it all in November? Why not earlier? I think it was a culmination of things. It seemed like all of my friends were moving out and getting grown-up jobs. This made me resent my current health situation because I had finished university like they had, but was not moving forward like they were because I was sick.

Because my balance and fatigue issues had worsened, I was reflecting on provisions that had been made for me at school as a kid due to these issues or at least to concerns for my safety. Writing in this blog was my way of trying to understand these provisions which, for the first time in my life, I felt I needed.

Blogging helped me come to terms with the effect of my health and disability on my childhood and it also helped me deal with the reality that I will likely have to tailor my personal and professional lives to whatever my body needs. Many times here, I have shared my fears that stem from the invisibility and unpredictability of my issues: Do people think I'm faking symptoms? Am I imagining some of this? In here I have expressed my gratitude that I have medical evidence like a CT scan to remind myself and others that this is real.

Writing in here helped me realize that I was in denial about my issues. They're mild issues in the disability world, especially because they are intermittent, but they're still a part of me. I struggle sometimes. I felt that writing more about it here would help me get comfortable telling people when I was struggling and asking for help if I needed it, being okay with having some difficulties or needing breaks or needing to opt out of things if I didn't feel up to it. The truth is that I still have trouble telling people I'm having a hard time or need to take a break.

I have so many questions about my health issues and I suppose I naively thought I could answer them through writing here.

Impact

Today while I was in my kitchen I heard a loud thump. Then a chirp. I knew it could only mean one thing. I opened the sliding glass door, peeked out to the area of window uncovered by curtains and saw a robin lying on a patio stone by the table. I was ten or so feet away, but I could visibly see his laboured breathing. Besides that he wasn't moving.

I ran to the front room to find some winter gloves and put on my shoes. Then I raced to the backyard and put the gloves on. I got the pool skimmer, but then I saw a rug on the porch. I picked it up, put it beside the bird, then gently picked him up to put him on it. It was raining a little. I was going to take him inside to shelter him and warm him, I decided, but not on a pool skimmer.

The robin was still as I picked it up. I wondered why it couldn't move. Broken spine? Brain injury? Then it fluttered its wings a bit, fell off the rug and onto its back. There was no blood or anything. Hooray! Perhaps he was just stunned from the impact. That's why he didn't get up and walk or fly away. I put my gloved hands around it, picked it up and put it back on the carpet. I removed them from its body when I noticed it was no longer breathing laboriously. I looked closer. The bird was dead.

I was shocked. I really didn't expect it would die. As I sat on my knees examining the bird's layers of grey feathers, I realized that this was probably for the best. What could I have done for it after bringing it into my home? It would have suffered, perhaps taking a long time to die.

I guess my hope that the bird would survive stemmed from a previous experience I had with a critically injured bird. Years ago, my mom found one floating in our pool. We put it in a sand sieve, put a towel over it and fed him water (or milk?) It appeared more injured than the bird I found today, but with some time in our care, it was soon ready to hop out of the sieve and under a tree. Shortly after it flew away. I hoped the same thing would happen to this robin today. I didn't want to have to kill it like I had to kill a pigeon in my backyard six summers ago. I knew that bird didn't have a chance of recovery because the back of its head was gone. I wrote about the experience killing the pigeon here.

I think it would have been easier to find the robin dead than alive. Well, no that's not true. When it was alive, I had hope. I knew I could do something. The hardest part was seeing it die after being so sure it would live. It took me a while to process that fact. I kept opening the window and peeking out to see if the bird had recovered somehow. Instead it was just getting soggy from the rain.

Relapse

I'm frustrated and disappointed that my month-long streak of good health has ended -- at least for a little while. I have pain in my skin all over. It hurts more when even the slightest thing chafes against it. My doctor told me once that this is viral neuropathy. Basically the virus inflames the nerves. It's harmless, really, just uncomfortable.

I am also having another asthma flare-up! Seriously, this is the fourth one since November. Why? The last one was over a month ago and lasted for over a month. What will this one be like? I have so many questions. I mean, my asthma never completely got better after my last flare. I think I was compelled to go for runs and walks to prove to myself that I was better and to try to prevent the asthma from worsening. Obviously that didn't work. What WILL work?

A couple of weeks ago my pharmacist, at my mom's request, submitted a prescription request to my doctor, showing him that I'd been on Advair 500 mcg, the maximum dosage about seven years ago. For those of you without asthma, Advair is a controller inhaler, meaning I take it every day, regardless of how I'm feeling, to reduce and prevent asthma symptoms -- at least to minimize their severity. It doesn't ease asthma symptoms while they are happening. I have a rescue inhaler for that.

During my last flare up, I used a 250 mcg Advair inhaler twice a day my mom had leftover from a cold. I improved a lot, so I decided to only use my 500 mcg that the doctor prescribed once a day. Now I think I'll start using it twice a day, as per my doctor's prescription.

I feel so defeated. Just a few months ago I was still taking Flovent, a controller inhaler for milder asthma. Now I'll be taking two puffs daily of the maximum dosage of Advair. I'm wondering how I would be feeling if I wasn't taking Advair, or if I wasn't on any controller inhaler at all. I don't think it would be dangerous. I don't get full blown attacks. I never feel like I can't breathe. Unlike last time, I'm not having chest pain and I can speak full sentences without coughing or taking a breath. I'm hoping it won't get worse. So far I'm just wheezing, coughing up mucous and feeling winded.

I'm not only disappointed that I'm feeling sick again, but that my active life, the one I wrote about so happily in this blog regularly for over a month, will end. I will keep the animal sitting jobs I've committed too for this week, but I won't be going out with friends or for walks until I improve. That's for sure. I don't want to go anywhere. I just want to sleep. I definitely don't want to dress up.

I don't want to make anyone think I'm depressed. I'm actually pretty happy, especially considering how I'm feeling; I'm just dreading the loneliness, boredom, doctors appointments and feeling ill constantly. I've been thinking about stuff to do. I really should start reading novels again, buy a video game for my Nintendo DS, maybe learn to knit? I'll definitely be sleeping a lot. Tomorrow I'll clean my room and change my bedsheets. Maybe I will ask my mom will help me. I must minimize dust which can definitely aggravate asthma.

I Shopped, but I didn't Drop!

Today I discovered that retail therapy is a true phenomenon. It's a sense of rejuvenation I find when I find something I like that makes me look beautiful, fits perfectly and is a bargain!

Most of my purchases during my four-five hour shopping spree today satisfied these needs I require to enjoy a shopping experience. Part of the therapy was realizing that it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and testing my endurance. I started at the Globo shoe store and looked for New Balance running shoes. I loved the first pair I saw! I tried the 6 and a half size and it fit perfectly! As a bonus, the pair was about 40 dollars -- that was 50 per cent off! Amazing... It's usually so hard for me to find shoes that fit because my feet are so narrow. Anticipating this difficulty, I procrastinated buying a new pair. I wore my previous ones regularly for seven years!!!!! This purchase boosted my confidence. It literally put a spring in my step thanks to the new arches and shock absorption!

Then I want to a lingerie store. Usually I feel uncomfortable in those places because I think I look like a child in size and demeanor. I mean, I shouldn't feel that way because I am a woman and I do have curves which is odd considering my light weight and small frame. I tend to liken my body to Betty Boop's whose is thin and curvy. Hahaha.

Well, for some reason I walked into that store confidently, on a mission! I was going to find at least one bra. I found a two-for-20 sale, so I scanned the wall of bras -- yes, WALL -- for ones I liked. My existing bras have a bit of padding in them and I decided that I wanted to be a bit more natural. I want people to see the girls how they naturally are! Well, not naturally. Any medium to full support bra is going to shape your bust.

There is a part of me that wants to have a bra burning ceremony. Why do we need to change the appearance of our breasts to be considered decently dressed? Is my body in its natural form offensive? Well I think the jiggling would be considered more offensive, dare I titillate someone by moving!

There is another part of me that thinks I look silly in shirts and dresses without a bra underneath. I look smaller. Maybe that's why.

Anyway, I found two bras that fit, plus another one on a separate wall: four dollars! My mom found a 10 panties for 10 sale, so she searched and found a bunch in my size. I picked the ones I liked and BAM. Another bunch of items for my items-to-purchase bag. Don't worry. I didn't try them on first. Yeesh! I wonder if people do that...

I tried on a satin housecoat that was 10 dollars, but it wasn't nice material, so I put it back. There were nicer, more expensive ones, but I didn't want to spend the money. My mom bought one for me! She's so special.

We paid for everything and then went to Le Chateau where I fell in love with this skirt! Oh man. It's white and flowy with a print of black and white flowers on it. The material is kind of sheer. It fit me beautifully too! A little bit pricey, but hey! I've been animal sitting. Why not treat myself? My mom and a sales lady hunted high and low for a shirt that would go with the skirt, but few things fit me. I also tried on a bunch of blazers because I love blazers, but have never had one. No luck there, but my mom finally found a black fitted, low cut shirt that goes perfectly with the skirt. Then I searched for a bracelet to go with it, not expecting to find any bangles that fit my teensy wrists. Of course I didn't, but I found a chunky bracelet with big greenish blue stones and a transparent bow. It fit perfectly. I bought all of it!

We took a break to rest our feet and have some food. I bought a blt from Subway, then took it to the nearby burger joint where my mom was. I ate it there. We had a nice chat. Then she bought me some fries and a chocolate milk shake! It was delicious. My good appetite continued my good eating streak. I was proud of myself for withstanding so much activity. Then we went out for more!

We went to Winners, a discount fashion store in Canada, to look for a new bag for me. I had big bags that fit books and things and small bags that only fit my wallet, keys and cell phone, but nothing in between. I wanted something that would rest on my shoulder, not be too fancy, have a zipper and fit my phone, wallet, keys, sweater, water bottle, case for glasses, etc. in. Voila! So I bought that. Then we went home. Phew!

A very productive day. I feel so relieved to have finally bought so many things I needed, but put off buying. Now all I really have left to find is pants. Ugh! Who knows, though! Maybe it won't be painful. Maybe it will be fun like today was, especially if I go with my mom. I feel a bit selfish because the day was all for me! I did encourage her to buy a necklace and ring she liked. My new rule for my mom is: if you treat me to a gift, you have to treat yourself to something. Or I'll buy it for you. I can't wait to treat her more often once I have a full-time job!

Ashley's Pet Service

I spent my long weekend animal sitting! Yes, I have a few clients in the neighborhood whose animals I look after when they are away on holiday. I had three clients this weekend: I stayed at the Danes' house with them for a few days and a couple of nights and popped in during mornings and early evenings at two houses to feed cats, bring newspapers in, water plants, change litter, etc. I really enjoyed it.

It's so nice to make money, feel productive and needed and also, of course, hang out with animals! My puppy Pounce, included, who I walked and ran with. By the way, his first birthday was this week!These are some of the animals' adorable antics:

• Male Great Dane slobbered all over my arm in hungry anticipation as I put his bowl food of food under his giant head.
• He and his sister watched me pick up after them, laughing. Okay, not laughing.
• One of the cats meowed beggingly to be let outside, but when I opened the door she wouldn't go outside. Instead, she looked up at me like I was an idiot.
• She kneaded my bare shoulder. Ouch! When I said "Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah!" She dug her claws in harder! This is sadistic affection, I guess.
  
• The cat at the other house was sitting in the garden one day when I came over to feed him.
• He nuzzles my legs and meows when I'm putting his wet food in his bowl at the counter; then when I put it down, he eats ravenously. I put his food back into the fridge and collect my things. As soon as I walk to the stairway that leads to the door, he races me to it. I have nearly fallen down the stairs rushing to get to the door, open it and close it behind before he gets to it! Then I hear him meowing inside and I worry I've closed it on his tail, so I open it a pinch to make sure, then close it again. Phew!

Unfortunately, now I'm sneezing and wheezing a bit because I'm allergic to cats! I try to get in and out of their houses quickly, but it doesn't always work. If I wasn't allergic, I would stay and cuddle more often. They're so cute!

I have new animal clients too! A couple who live in the street behind mine have a four month old German Shepherd. My mom ran into the woman earlier who relayed a pickle she was in: For two days this week her and her husband's schedule don't allow one of them to let the dog out at noon and 4 pm. So my mom offered my services to her! I met the puppy. He's sooo cute and playful, of course. He's a bit rowdy, but, having taken care of a Great Dane puppy, I was able to subdue him. When he jumped on me, I pushed him off. Then I stood up and, like his owner instructed, I picked him up by the collar and said "No!" After doing that twice he left me alone. He kept jumping on my mom, though! This dog weighs 50 pounds, so I'm going to have to watch him carefully and be very firm so he doesn't knock me over. Soon, he will know I'm boss just like the Danes do! I'm excited to pet him and play with him!

On our walk home, my mom and I talked to a woman up the street from us. I said, "You have a dog, right?" She said they'd put it down two years ago. "A black lab right?" She was impressed with my memory. Anyway, I told her about all of my clients in the neighborhood and she said it would have been much more convenient for me to have looked after her cat while she and her family were on holiday. So she's going to remember me for next time!

I feel so excited about all this. It's perfect for me because I love animals; I could use the money and I've been feeling pretty good. I want to get a lot of work regularly until I start school in January, but I don't want to put up posters. I don't want to work for people and animals I don't know. Plus, there are already a few posters in my neighborhood offering similar services. Word-of-mouth seems to be effective to me. My clients really appreciate me and have recommended me to others on occasion. I think that's so special. People really trust me with their animals and their homes. It's also great for them because I charge so much less than kennels and drop-in services:

$20 per day for a dog(s)
$10 per day for a cat(s)

These fees are standard no matter how many times I have to go in to see the animals. It includes everything from feeding (washing bowls too, of course), changing litter, feeding fish, bringing mail in, watering flowers, etc. It would include walking too, but I haven't yet had a client whose dog was small enough for me to walk.

This used to bother me because I love to walk and I love dogs, but now that I have Pounce, I walk him! Wow. He's a year old now. I can't remember what life was like without him. It's so nice to come home to him, cuddle him and walk him. He's also very cute, eh? I looked after him even during periods when I really wasn't feeling well. My mom did most of the work, but I enjoyed having something to care for, instead of just being cared for myself.

I've been doing well for about a month now, so it's nice that I get to care for animals regularly! I'm kind of paying for it now, though. All of that walking has really tired me out. I always want to sleep! Also, my legs are especially fatigued. It's work to stand or walk for more than a few minutes a lot of the time. They hurt when I'm standing or walking. I have to push myself to get up from the chair. That's it, though! And I'm perfectly mobile and not very wobbly.