Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Not the Brightest Animals: Book Review of Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris

If you think fables are for children or that fables are wholesome, or that fables are dead, read Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris and you may change your mind. Comprised of twelve short stories, each featuring animals of different species interacting with each other, this hilarious, quirky book made me think about what probably would have happened if Sedaris had worked for Disney: when Thumper tried to teach Bambi to skate, bones would have broken; when Tramp shared spaghetti with Lady in the moonlight, food probably got everywhere.

Like these Disney characters, Sedaris’s animal characters enjoy simple pleasures that come with the kinds of relationships we humans experience. It is not clear if Sedaris’s animals have learned from human behaviour and socializing, or if coincidentally animals just think like us and communicate like us. The latter seems more likely as humans are largely absent from Squirrel.

Characters in Squirrel that forget or ignore the harsh truths of nature meet their demise morbidly at the end of some stories. Nature’s karma, I suppose. Sedaris’s fables highlight the triviality of the animal characters’ human-like problems: the destruction caused by a pet snake, the conversation parents must have with their children about where babies come from (appropriately by parent storks to a baby stork). Sedaris seems to be saying that these issues, among others, are not really issues, and that they seem to distract us from what’s really important, like watching your baby instead of meditating when there is a crow around (especially if you are a sheep, as Sedaris cautions).

Or maybe Sedaris is just using animals to make fun of humans. There is so much to make fun of. The front cover drawing of the squirrel romancing the chipmunk by candlelight says it all, although I’m wondering where the miniature wine glasses and candle came from.

The animals also over-think or take personally simple realities like impending death by a farmer’s hand. Squirrel is loaded with dramatic irony. What’s so morbid about some of these characters’ demise is not so much the gruesomeness, but that we, the audience, know what will happen, or have a good idea that something bad will happen, yet it delights us. Well, it delights me anyway…

Sexism plays a role too. There’s the chauvinistic rooster in the hen house, of course.

And racism? Yes, there is the Vietnamese potbellied pig who, like generations of his family before him, was born and raised in an unspecified country, presumably America, but was questioned by a parrot in his interview for a job at a museum about how his ethnicity would play a role in his work: “Can we expect to see more Oriental art?” the ignorant parrot asks, among other things. The pig kind of says yes to these questions in an apparent effort to appease the interviewer. When he starts to say something else, the parrot cuts him off, saying, “That’s all I wanted to know.”

Our lives and so many of our issues seem that much more stupid and senseless with animals playing our parts. Sedaris has found great humour in these pathetic attitudes and situations. He often shares these quirky stories with deadpan style, in calm and concise prose, perhaps to emulate the desensitized, ignorant comments, reactions and discussions that so many people make about race, sex, death, etc.

Squirrel reminded me that the truth hurts, but at least it can also make me laugh.

Oh, and the illustrations, by Ian Falconer, are bizarre and hilarious. One picture on the first page of every story. My favourite is a drawing of an owl behind a hippo. The animals are in black and white, except for the hippo’s orange anus and the owl’s orange eyes. In this story there is also a gerbil who wants to “try new food, visit exotic places.” This story and picture made me feel like sticking a tiddly wink up my nose as a child wasn’t such a big deal after all.



Friday, December 24, 2010

Twinkle

Today I hobbled from store to store in a Santa hat, my elderly behaviour contrasting my childlike appearance.

As you can imagine, I was Christmas shopping. This is a feat for even the most able people. Somehow, determined and strong as I am, I managed to do it with back trouble. Some of you may remember that I have fused discs in my neck, an exaggerated curvature of my upper spine and a bit of scoliosis. These regularly give me pain and fatigue. Well, recently I've been having bad lower back pain and worse hip pain than usual. I've been stiff and fatigued too. This sometimes happens because the muscles in my back have to work all the time. I figured the hip thing was just my impinged hip flexor acting up. Actually, my physiotherapist said my hips have improved, but that a nerve in my spine is "tight" and this explains my current hip and lower back issues. What? Something new? I wondered if he could palpate my frustration.

Recalling the confusion and drunk vision I had experienced the previous day, I asked my physiotherapist Vince if this "tight" nerve could be neurological. He said it "certainly" could be. It could mean that I have too much fluid in my spine. Having a shunt to drain excess fluid from my brain, this neurological possibility is something I especially need to keep an eye on. I'm not too concerned, though. I don't have the classic signs of shunt malfunction: headaches, vomiting, fever. Also, my balance, which regularly gives me difficulty because of my Dandy Walker (cerebellum malformation basically) and Post-Viral Syndromes, has been fine today and yesterday. Plus, I've never had a shunt problem, so because I feel invincible, I doubt this is the root of my current spine condition.

My physiotherapist's observation of a nerve problem doesn't actually concern me much. I imagine it will go away on it's own. I would like to know the cause, though. It's the symptoms that are troubling me. I haven't had pain like this in a while, certainly I've never had such bad lower back pain. The hip problems are much better today, but it was such a strange sensation. Warm, shooting pain. The fatigue goes from my lower back to my legs. While I'm not limping to one side much because my hip has improved, I'm certainly waddling.

This is the first week in ages that I have actually felt disabled. I felt I needed something to hold onto while I walked and stood. I was slow and not feeling well.

BUT...

I was happy. My symptoms didn't distract me from the giant Swarovski Christmas tree in the mall, twinkling as it rotated under the high glass ceiling. They didn't stop me from smiling when happy children bounced by me with their parents. I love this time of year and I love buying things for my family. Each find really excited me. I'm still thinking about what wrapping paper I want to use for each of the gifts. Today was confirmation that I can be happy no matter how I'm feeling physically. I can also be very productive.

I must learn to pace myself better, though. I need to stop and rest more. I didn't do that much today because I was too excited to continue my hunt for gifts. I will just have to remold my stubbornness into discipline... This is a good lesson to start to take seriously just weeks before I start school again.


Thursday, December 16, 2010

More Evidence that Christmas Music is Depressing

"A child shivers in the cold; let us bring him silver and gold." Yeah, usually when I hear that a child is freezing to death in the desert, my first inclination is to bring him silver and gold. You know, because a blanket isn't the kind of present you give Jesus unless the blanket is made of silver and gold, which would be an excellent insulator and it's also pretty posh. It would be heavy, but Jesus couldn't suffocate or get crushed because ... Well, he's Jesus!

Some may say that this lyric is evidence that Christmas has always been about materialism, at least since this song was written, unless the songwriter had it all wrong and Jesus really did get a blanket instead of silver and gold for his birthday, but regardless, I think material things are important if you want to maintain your status as the most important baby on the desert.

If Jesus grew up and decided he was too practical for a silver and gold blanket, he could have pawned it for some money or a furnace or he could have given it to one of his dinosaur friends to use as a really bling handkerchief. Here, I rewrote the lyrics to the tune of "Do You Hear What I Hear?"

Said the donkey to the three wise men:
"I hear he wants a bling blanket!"
The wise men deliberated for a little moment:
"Yes, I'm sure he'd love it!"
A pool, a pool of money for the bling
the child will be so happy that he will sing
yes he'll sing with the voice of a bling king.

Said the wise men to the desert jeweler:
"Do you think you could make this into a blanket?"
Said the jeweler to the three wise men:
"Of course I can, I'm a jeweler!"
A child, a child, shivers in the cold let us bring him a blanket made of silver and gold,
Let us bring him a blanket made of silver and gold.

Said Mary to the little donkey,
"You put the wise men up to this didn't you?"
Said the donkey to angry Mary,
"This is for letting me starve."
They fought, they fought, long into the night
While Jesus rocked his bling while he slept snug and tight.
While he rocked his bling, sleeping snug and tight.


Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Concert, Dog Boots and Various Complaints

I have been trying to run, but when I do, this doggone cold air does a number on the lungs. Terrible chest pain, wheezing, mucous. Two brief runs and two asthma attacks. My physiotherapist said to cover my face to bring moisture and warmth into my lungs when I run. He told me not to let it get worse. Asthma is serious. It makes me hold my chest and swear. But hey, at least I'm running right? Running generally flares my asthma, though, so a scarf is no quick fix.

He also said this cold weather may be aggravating my back and neck problems. He said cold can tense the muscles. Basically the muscles press on the joints and create problems. Also, he said that cold can affect the fluid around the joints. This may explain this back flare I had for a couple of days. I couldn't go to a concert because of it, mind you it was silly of me to commit to a standing-room only concert no matter what kind of condition I'm in. Too much standing and walking involved. I'm disappointed and thinking about other shows I will likely have to avoid because they are in clubs or other standing room only places. It sucks, but I kind of get it. A club is a more intimate space. You get a better view of the artist. You get to dance. The acoustics are generally better. Less popular artists are better suited for clubs if they can't fill up larger venues. Maybe there are other reasons for having bands at smaller venues. I'm sure clubs are much cheaper to rent for a few hours.

The only concert I've been to that wasn't standing room only was to see Feist in the spring of 2008. She was amazing, oh man. I really love her music. I haven't been to many concerts in general actually. My last one was to see Florence and the Machine this past April. She was so good. Both these ladies have amazing voices.

My dog isn't a fan of this cold weather, but after I put his boots on him, he stages a walking strike, lying on the snow. I regularly call him a brat, but really I think he's just vain. He does look funny wearing his boots. Sometimes people "Oooh" and "Aaah" at him when he wears them, but maybe he interprets those as insults. Or maybe he just hates the clapping sound of his boots hitting the pavement. Or maybe he just likes to make me mad. Then we get home and I take off his coats and boots and harness, then dry him off with a towel. Then I swaddle him in a blanket and he settles down and kisses my face.

Speaking of my dog, it's time to take him outside. I think he hears something. He's chewing his bone at my feet (I'm on the bed) and every now and then he pauses to bark. Hmm...

Monday, December 6, 2010

Thanks for the Memories, Mark

I have some sad news to report. Mark Dailey, news anchor and announcer for Toronto station City TV and old friend of my family, has died after a relapse of cancer. He was 57 years old. I haven't seen him -- I don't think anyone in my family has seen him -- in years, but I fondly remember his humour and kindness. He was very tall (especially because I was very small). I don't even remember Mark that well, but he was such a nice man and a very talented news anchor. I used to call him "Marky." I have a pink stuffed bunny he and his wife gave me when I was five, in the hospital getting my tonsils out. The bunny had belonged to their dog. My sister and I used to say that their dog was girlfriend to another family friend's dog.

Just little things I remember.

I've also been fond of his work. He delivered the news so uniquely. Many newscasters on all sorts of stations seem to use the same inflections, gestures, head nods and facial expressions. Not Mark. He kind of had this, hmm. I'd guess you'd call it a no nonsense approach, yet he reported with a lot of character and style. Never robotic or calculated it seemed. He always felt completely genuine. A credit to his field. Announcing his death at various points this evening, his colleagues were obviously upset. It was hard to watch. He had been at City TV for more than thirty years. I imagine he influenced and touched a lot of people. Mark was certainly one of the most famous Toronto news anchors, if not the most famous, and had been for years.

Mark was also really entertaining. Check out these funny voiceover clips he did for "Great Movies," City TV's name for their movie nights, and the news. His voice and humour are amazing!:



I hope there will be some sort of tribute to his life and career. It will be strange not to see him on the news anymore. I admired him for being so public about his cancer, which he was first diagnosed with in 2004. He discussed it with so much grace and class and brought awareness to the need for cancer screening. He worked throughout his illness. Such courage and class. He will be missed.



Thursday, December 2, 2010

Digger

I wrote the following as a Facebook note a few years ago because I was hyper and thinking about rodents.

On an island where hamsters and skunks run free, there was one creature who dared to be different. One creature who knew the importance of fur maintenance.

His name was Digger: furball by day, fur dresser by night.

During the day, Digger the gerbil slept in his cage, like any domestic gerbil would. At dinner time, he ate carrot and played on his wheel. When his owners went to bed, Digger would sneak out of his cage and run around the bathroom.
Obsessed with fur hygiene, Digger often saw scraggly mice and rats running around the house and he knew that he had to do something about it.

One night, Digger decided to kidnap a mouse and groom it before releasing it back into the wild. He held a small comb to it's mouth and said, "come to my cage, or I'll kill you."

The mouse nervously agreed. Digger dragged the mouse to his cage and strapped him to his wheel. "If you move, I will spin the wheel upside down." Digger began nibbling off bits of the mouse's hair and then gave the mouse a mohawk. He then released the mouse back into the house.

The next day, a gang of rats came to the bathroom. Digger was frightened. Were these rats friends of the little mouse? Were they going to beat Digger up? Actually, these rats had seen the mouse's hair cut and wanted Digger to cut their hair too.

So Digger's hair cutting business was born.