Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Stanley Doesn't Know What He's Talking About

My friend Stanley, a German Shepherd like me, is considering getting neutered, but he wonders if doing so will affect his patrolling capabilities. He knows of course, that he could still patrol, but will he still have the same subduing, intimidating effect after the operation and for the rest of his life?

He has mixed feelings about the appendages themselves. He thinks they intimidate bad animals and people, which is what he wants, what he's supposed to do, yet he thinks they make him less masculine. I know, trust me, I don't get it either. He tries to cross his legs when he sit like a human, even though I keep telling him that's not possible. If you ask me, sitting like a human lowers his menace factor more than being neutered ever could. But that's just me. I like dogs to behave like dogs.

Stanley feels most like a dog when he's around kittens. I think it's because he has this instinct to eat them, but he knows he's responsible for their safety. He knows he has to protect them and try to right their wrongs. Well, most kittens make him feel like a dog. There's this particular litter of kittens, though, who have somehow emasculated Stanley and hurt his dog ego. He doesn't even feel like a dog around them. He doesn't know how to stop them when they walk away from their bed or try to get into some garbage. He thinks they're trying to take over the world and he's afraid of what they might do to him if he gets in their way. He just runs away with his tail between his legs. He trembles.

I'm serious. One kitten is trying to get a hold of nuclear weapons. She seems to know other cats in all parts of the world who are trying to do the same thing. It's some sort of conspiracy. She uses the internet. I can't read, but I keep seeing pictures of bombs on the sites she uses and I see chat windows up too. There appear to be different alphabets or some sort of code on some sites. (I know what English words look like). The bombs in these pictures were silver. They shook and buzzed on the screen when she clicked on them. They look like bullets. I know these are bombs because I saw them on a tv show about World War 2. I actually know about a bunch of bombs because I'm a German Shepherd. I used to work at an airport. In my career I never actually found a bomb, thank God, but my superiors showed me pictures of what to look for. My sense of smell isn't so reliable, but I'm good at catching up to running bad guys and then jumping on them and holding them down. That's why I was hired. Plus, my long snout is perfect for digging through bags.

I was neutered and I keep telling Stanley that it didn't stop me from doing my airport job, nor my current guarding job, but he won't listen. I don't think it's the bomb sites and other conspiratorial material that intimidate Stanley (though I can assure you these activities intimidate me). I think the kittens are pretty harmless. They have evil thoughts, but they won't and can't act on them. I don't even think they mean to upset Stanley. They just meow more than most kittens and he can't deal with the annoyance. It also stresses him out, having to discipline them constantly. Hey, now that I think of it, maybe he's just faking being afraid to try to get out of dealing with them.

My name's Dennis, by the way. I'm reciting this through my master's voice recognition software. Oh man, I have to go. Stanley's coming. He says he has to tell me something.


  1. I liked this a lot. :) Waiting for part two....

    Incidentally, kittens do know stuff. They're a whole lot of evil in a cute fuzzy package. Dennis knows.

  2. Stanley definately needs to let them go (the appendages I mean). If not, he may come after you Dennis (in that way, you know).

    As for the kittens, they learn early on to coordinate their worldwide efforts at domination. You can't let them near the internet or your person will find herself under investigation for domestic terrorism. (I speak from experience.)

  3. Stanley is going to do just fine!! I would tell him not to worry about the kittens, they're all bark (or meow) and no bite! Very funny and cute post :)

  4. Too funny! I can't wait for part two! By the way, a friend in Chicago sent me a t-shirt recently. On the back, it says "Neuticles....It's Like Nothing Ever Changed". Evidently, when you have your pet neutered, you can now have testicular implants 'installed' to replace the real thing. (Check it out:

  5. Dennis, there must be a way for you to pursuade Stanley to go ahead with the is NOT going to affect him negatively.....
    P.S. Tell your human I saw that she visited and now follows my blog at and that I thank her!!

  6. Vegetable - Thank you! Ha ha ha I think Dennis does know! The "cute fuzzy package" is just a facade.

    Melissa - Wow, I hadn't thought of that. Stanley pursuing Dennis... Melissa, I think you may be taking my fiction in a new direction. Thanks!

    Tsar - Great advice for Stanley! I'll let him know. Thanks!

    Myth - I'm flattered! I can't wait for part two either! I'll tell Stanley about the neuticles. They should fill the void, I think. Thanks!

    John and Regina - I told him, but he didn't believe me! Thank you and you're welcome!