Sunday, January 24, 2010

He loves me, I love him not

At the end of my Valentine's Day date, my first-ever boyfriend of four months told me he loved me while I was sitting in his lap at the bus station.

I said, "Aw, thanks!"

Of course, I felt pressure to say I loved him too, especially since he had brought a rose and teddy bears to to my house. But I didn't love him. Damn, why did he have to be so serious, I thought. I'm just in this to have fun and kiss you.

I was fifteen!!! I wasn't even ready to let him touch my breasts, but he still loved me? I felt badly for letting him get so attached to me, but I just really loved when he told me I was beautiful. He made me laugh a lot. He said he loved my laugh. I adored the attention, the thought of someone thinking of me as a woman -- he was the first person to describe me that way. I wasn't keen on him -- or anyone -- being in love with me. Maybe I should have seen it coming.

We dated for over a month after the incident and he kept telling me he loved me. Then we both got busy: he with his go kart racing and I with my part in the school play, so our get-togethers tapered off. Then the phone calls did too. I called him and said I knew he was busy, but that it wasn't cool to ignore me. The next day he very softly and nervously broke up with me.

I was relieved.

3 comments :

  1. When I was 17 I went to a 21st birthday party. The birthday boy was someone I had been on a date with but not dated seriously; we had kissed but no more. And that had been a while back. The night of his birthday I was sitting on his lap (for some reason!) and he told me he loved me. Know what I did? I laughed. And I said, "No you don't!"
    I'll never forget the look of hurt in his eyes and how I felt when I realised that OOPS maybe he actually did. I felt really mean.
    A few years later we bumped into each other and I found I really wanted him to ask me out.
    He never did.
    I don't blame him.

    I guess we can't help our reactions, or the way we feel.

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  2. That's such a good story and I love how you told it. I think these kinds of reactions just reflected our immaturity and, in my case, nerves. I also just didn't plain love him.

    Was this boy who told you he loved you 21? In that case, he should have considered maybe he was more ready to say something like that than you were!

    I felt kind of mean too. When I told one of my friends what had happened, she said I should have told him I loved him even though I didn't. I think that's wrong. I'm too honest for that and I didn't want to lead him on.

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  3. Nah, I'm with you - why would you tell someone you love them when you don't? That would just lead to all sorts of complications! Rather just be honest.

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