I used to like it when he touched me

My physiotherapist might be a sadist; I haven't decided. His efforts have produced the opposite effects of what he intended -- well, what he said he intended (thunder cracks) -- and what I hoped for. Oh, the stiffness! The limited range of mobility! The fatigue! The pain! (Change scene to PT pressing on my spine, laughing maniacally) Okay, it's not that bad.

I just slathered my neck and shoulders with Myoflex, an over-the-counter muscle relaxant cream my doctor recommended to me months ago. The disc problem affects the muscles. I had the urge to write about my frustration and pain. My last session with the PT was the one I wrote about in my last entry. He was doing traction of my lower back which my exaggerated upper spine curvature and awkward gait had messed up. It felt good. A release. But it only continued to feel good for about ten minutes after the session when I felt looser and lighter as I walked home. It hasn't helped with the fatigue I get in my legs which is mostly related to Dandy Walker Syndrome anyway. And I'm stiffer. The pressure in my lower back from my awkward posture and gait has gotten worse too.

I'm kind of sick of hearing that it's normal or probably normally. How can this be NORMAL?! More importantly, how am I supposed to tell the difference between symptoms of injury or aggravation of condition (seems probable given that my left arm has randomly gone numb and sore more than once -- including now) and evidence that the physiotherapy is helping? What is good pain and what is bad pain? AH! I feel like I don't know my body, like I'm supposed to ignore what would otherwise be warning signs of worsening problems.

Besides this frustration, I just feel jaded, like, "Oh boy, what have I done now?" -- You know, like I said in my last entry, I often blame myself for my symptoms and assume I've done something wrong. I know it's silly, but this is just me.

My physiotherapist is a wonderful guy and I don't mean to suggest that he has done something incorrectly. Joking aside, he is very gentle and he always asks me how I'm feeling and how his actions feel. These typically aren't characteristics of a sadist. Maybe this is normal. He has a lot to work on me. I should be more patient. He's disturbing problems in my body I've had for a long time. Of course that disruption should be unpleasant, right? I'm trying not to think of this as punishment for not helping myself earlier, if that would have even resulted in less pain after sessions.

Wow, where did this get so serious?! Ah! It's strange how thought evolves this way, eh? I would write more, but I think I should rest my arms and watch a Disney movie. Now who wants to give me a massage? Just keep in mind that I am not a masochist and I will not pay you.